Hard Times in Mozambique
by H8orade
Summary: After a feud between rival factions in Maputo, Mozambique, a charity worker has to flee the country via airplane. Unfortunately, something goes terribly wrong. (Please Rate and Review)
1. Chapter 1

"…but first, breaking news. The Mozambican capital of Maputo was attacked recently. Violence is stirring up, and protesters for both FRELIMO and RENAMO have taken up arms against each other"

This was most definitely not what Joseph McDonald wanted to hear when he was drinking his morning coffee. Why? He lived in the city of Maputo. And he had thought that the violence between FRELIMO and RENAMO had stopped two decades ago. Apparently not.

He had gone to the city from the United States, and upon arriving, he fell in love with the place, and decided to stay. However, because he was still technically an American citizen, he could leave whenever he wanted. And he decided to use that wildcard now. First, however, he had to give somebody a call.

The phone rang, and a man picked up. A friend of his he had met in South Africa answered. "Hey, Tom", Joseph began "Joey? That you? Great to see you, mate! Haven't heard from you in some time? How've you been?" the friendly man replied. "Tom, now is not really the time for that. Check the news." A pause came from the phone as Tom checked the South African news. When he saw of the Government building attack in Maputo, he had all the info he needed. "Oh. I see, mate. You all right?" "Yeah, Tom. Listen, I kind of got to get the hell out of here." "What about your charity work?" Tom inquired. Just then, a brick flew through Joseph's window, nearly hitting him in the face. "Yeah, screw that! I'll try to fly to Johannesburg. The international airport is backed up, and I don't trust the madass Russian bush pilots around here. Can I crash at your place?" "Crash your plane at my place?" Tom asked. "NO, NOT THE PLANE!" Joseph screamed.

"Allright, you can stay at my place once you land in Johannesburg. But please, be careful. I'll see you soon."

Joseph had to drive through what could easily be defined as a warzone. All the way to the small grass strip where he kept his plane, RENAMO rebels and FRELIMO soldiers were setting up road blockades, asking if drivers were friend or foe. When Joseph finally got to his airplane, things started to go downhill.

A rebel clad with an assault rifle and possibly the biggest machete that Joseph had ever seen had decided to stroll over to his airplane. He quickly did whatever preflight checks he could and got into the aircraft, a small yellow Cessna 172N, tail number N9062K. But before he could start the engine, the rebel knocked on the aircraft door. Gingerly, Joseph opened up the door, knowing that he couldn't start the airplane with a man standing so close to the propeller.

The man brandished the Machete into his cockpit and inquired his loyalty. "FRELIMO or RENAMO", the man asked. "I don't know, what are you" Joseph replied. The man clearly wasn't happy. "ARE YOU WITH ME OR AGAINST ME?!" The man demanded. "WELL, DAMN, IF YOU TOLD ME YOUR FACTION, I COULD ANSWER THAT QUESTION, COULD I NOT?" Joseph replied, fed up with this rebel. The rebel, just as fed up with Joseph, pulled his rifle. Joseph acted quickly, and smashed his door into the rebel's face, knocking him out cold.

However, this created its own challenge, as now a whole horde of rebel soldiers were swarming to his airplane. He started the engine, set trim for takeoff, set the flaps to ten degrees, and immediately slammed the throttle to full power, not caring which direction the runway was facing. His aircraft lurched forward ever so closer to the crowd every second. Just as he reached 65 knots, he pulled the yoke back and just barely missed several rebel heads. However, the disgruntled rebels had guns, and unfortunately for Joseph, they decided that they would use them. A lot of small arms were fired at the aircraft, but one bullet in particular hit the engine. Joseph, pumped up with adrenaline, did not notice as he turned southward for Johannesburg.

On a seemingly unrelated note, earlier that day, the sun was rising over a large rock formation in the Savannah. These rocks, while certainly not volcanic, were teeming with life. You see, a pride of Lions lived there, and they ruled some of the nearby land and everything in it. Recently, two prides had been reconciled after a bloody war was broken up by two young lions: Kovu, and Kiara.

Of course, you already know the story. To shorten things up a bit, let's just say that this is about a week after that.

The light of the morning streamed into the cave of the rock formation known as Pride Rock. There, Kovu was wide awake, reflecting. He was happy, very happy. Kiara's father had finally accepted him and the rest of his pride. They were being shown nothing but kindness from the pridelanders. Kovu got to spend more time with Kiara. But most importantly, Kovu had become a friend and a son figure to Simba, the lion who, while still in his younger middle ages, was much wiser in the ways of kingship. He was giving Kovu lessons on how to lead a pride, and in a few minutes, the two lions would begin their first morning patrol.

Kovu nudged his mate, Kiara, out of her sleep. "Good morning, Kiara" he said in a soft tone. "Five more minutes, please?" said Kiara. "Uh Uh Uh. I got to go on my morning rounds in a minute." The young lion replied in a mocking tone. "Well than, go on your rounds with Simba." Kiara said. "What ever happened to calling me 'daddy'" a voice from behind the pair said. Simba, standing proud and strong, had to take Kovu away from Kiara for the morning rounds.

On the ledge of pride rock, Simba questioned the young Kovu on how the morning worked. "So, we get the morning report from the Majordomo, in this case, Zazu". Simba replied by nodding his head. "Then we start our patrol, scanning around the perimeter". Simba, again, nodded his head. "Then we deal with civil issues between the animals, or whatever else needs tending to." Simba nodded his head. "Then we are done for the day." Kovu finished. Simba, however, shook his head this time, and replied "You have to do another round before nightfall, AND get another report before sleeping. So far, you are on the right path, though." Kovu tried to stand proud, but he hung a little in worry for how good of a king he would be in the future. Simba sensed this. "Don't worry, Kovu. When I got back from the Jungle, I had no training whatsoever. And I'd say I turned this place around pretty good. Keep your head high, son. If I didn't believe in you, I wouldn't let you be with my daughter, now would I?"

At last, Zazu arrived. However, he appeared to be gasping for air. "sire…. Something... flying….coming" "Slow down, banana beak" Kovu said. "Take a breath" Simba pitched in. After Zazu was calm, he started again. "Sire, there are reports of something unusual headed this way. Flying, they say. Something else about it, too. Recently, a thick, black smoke started trailing out of it." The king and Kovu got worried. So many questions had arisen from this. Was this thing malicious, and why was it headed there? What is this thing? But before any of those questions could be answered, the object that Zazu described flew past pride rock, and landed with a loud crash into the grasslands below.


	2. Chapter 2

"What on earth was that?" Kovu asked, dumbfounded by what he just saw. He wasn't the only one, though. By now, the whole pride was looking on at the burning wreckage in awe, wondering what or who could have caused it. "Come on, Kovu" Simba said, making his way down Pride rock.

"Wait, wait, wait…" Kovu said. "You want us to go down there and check it out?"

"Yes, Kovu. We need to see what this thing is, but more importantly, if anybody got hurt." Simba replied, still walking down the rock.

Kovu sighed, took a look at the wreckage, and began to follow Simba down the rock.

* * *

><p>Joseph certainly wasn't having the best of days. After his plane had crashed, he was knocked out cold for a couple of seconds. However, once he woke up, saw the ground in his airplane's fractured windshield, smelled burning fuel, and realized he was being held upside-down by his seatbelt, he finally put two and two together and decided that he needed to get the hell out of the burning airplane.<p>

But once he unstrapped his belt and hastily got out of the airplane, he realized that his left leg was ripped open by a piece of shrapnel. That's when he actually felt said gash in his leg. Needless to say, he was screaming like a madman. But he knew he had to get away from the plane, so he crawled and crawled for about 5 minutes. That's when his vision got blurry. He realized now that his leg had left a trail of blood, and correspondingly, he was bleeding to death. He propped himself up, tore off a piece of his shirt, and tried to stop the bleeding, but it was too intense. That's when two lions, one dark with a black mane, and one yellow with a red mane, decided to drop in for what he assumed to be dinner. Before blacking out, he uttered what he thought his last words would be.

"Gonna kill me, eh. Well, I won't go down easy…" then, he went down.

* * *

><p>Kovu and Simba took a look at the now motionless man they saw on the ground. A human, a species who decided to leave nature long ago and start their own path, a creature of both legend and horror to these animals, lay down before the two lions. Simba had heard both horror stories and grand tales about these creatures, so he was unsure about what to make of this one.<p>

"As utterly ironic as that thing's last statement was" Kovu began "I think we got to help him, fast."

Just then, Zazu flew on to the scene. Hoping to see what had happened, he noticed the burning wreckage, the trail of blood, and the human that was being put onto Simba's back

"Zazu!" Simba said. "Get Rafiki and tell him to come to pride rock with all his medical supplies, fast!"

* * *

><p>Simba had finally moved the unconscious human into the den. The rest of the lionesses in his pride were confused, and didn't know what to do or think in this situation. Slowly and carefully, Simba set the human down on the floor, and began to apply pressure on the human's wounds. That's when panic ensued. The lionesses started asking Kovu questions. Some wanted to know what the thing was, some wanted to step in and help, and others wanted the thing out of the den. A loud bang was heard against the wall, as Rafiki, the mandrill shaman, finally stepped in.<p>

"Pipe down, Pipe down. Where is the human?" the mandrill asked.

"Over here" Kovu said. Simba was about to stand up and let Rafiki do his work, but Rafiki stopped him.

"Keep holding the wound down, boy!" Rafiki said to the king as if he was a child. Rafiki got out some bindings to patch the wound up. Soon, he set to work.

* * *

><p>While Rafiki was working in the den, Simba and Nala, the queen, finally had an opportunity to talk.<p>

"Simba, what is going on? Who or what is that thing in there and is it going to be okay?"

"Calm down Nala!" the king began. "What you just saw is a human. I can't guarantee his safety, and I don't know if he'll make it alive. But when he wakes up, we will have to ask him what he was doing coming to our lands."

Nala stood with her bloodstained husband for a minute, trying to think of something, anything to say. "I want to be the first to speak with this human." She finally said.

"What? Why? This thing could be dangerous, Nala. I don't want you getting hurt!" Simba said.

"For King's sake, Simba, he's unconscious, and his leg is bleeding heavily, he needs our help!" Nala rebutted.

"I've heard very mixed things about them, honey. But overall, I know that they are powerful, much more powerful than they look to be. I don't want you getting hu-"

"I WON'T GET HURT" The queen replied. "Look, I just want to talk with this thing-" "It's a male, we know that." Simba added. Nala continued. "I want to talk with him and make sure he's okay and that nothing terrible is going on. Maybe it's just a motherly instinct, but I want to make sure he is okay."

Simba took a moment to think, than finally spoke up. "Alright, Nala. You will be the first one to speak with him once he wakes up. But please, be careful. I don't know what I would do without you." With that, the couple embraced each other before parting ways, Simba to finish his morning patrol with Kovu, and Nala to go on the hunt. Soon, this human would wake up, and find himself in a completely new environment, and Nala, being curious, wanted to know as much about humans as she could.


	3. Chapter 3

In the early hours of the morning in the Savannah, Joseph McDonald opened his eyes. He didn't see Heaven, or a hospital of any sort. He awoke in a cave. And he had no idea how he got in the cave.

Sure, he miraculously remembered his plane crash and how he lost consciousness in front of two lions who looked like they wanted to carve him up and make some bacon out of him (at least in his mind). But if that were the case, he should be dead, right? Trying to reason through his situation, he checked his body. He noticed some makeshift bandages made of some sort of leaves and vine. No splints, thankfully, which meant nothing was broken. His leg, apparently, was stitched up. But how? With no modern medicine, the stitches would have to be made of a thorn and some sort of horse hair, right?

Looking around further he saw wicker baskets filled with all manner of herbs. He didn't know which ones did what, of course, but they had to be healing herbs. He couldn't move out of the cave, however, or he would risk opening up his wound again. He had reasoned in his mind that perhaps a tribe of some sort had saved his life and moved him to the cave. He decided to wait for whoever the healer was, thank them dearly, and get his ass back to Johannesburg as quickly as possible. That, however, reminded him of something else.

Tom was probably worried out of his wits waiting for him at Johannesburg. There was no way to contact him and tell him what went wrong, at least for now. Any cell phone he had was out of his pocket in the airplane, which might have exploded by now.

He didn't have much time to reason through these things, however, as a little blue hornbill flew in through the entrance of the cave, landing abnormally close to him. "What the hell?" Joseph muttered to himself.

"Well, SIR, I see you aren't the most, well, gentlemanly of persons, but I will give you a pass considering the immense pain you are probably experiencing." The little blue hornbill spat back in a British accent.

Joseph's eyes went wide as he wondered what was going on. "Did you just speak?" said Joseph.

"Well… yes, animals tend to use words to communicate, after all. I thought a human would know better." The hornbill said.

"Uh, not where I come from. Animals don't talk. I must have hit my head too hard in the crash, I must be seeing things." Joseph replied.

"Well, I see that you certainly forgot your _manners_ in the crash" the hornbill replied.

"Okay, first off, who the hell are you, anyway? Secondly, where am I?"

"If you want to be on good terms with me, I suggest you watch your to-"

"Zazu!" a feminine voice echoed from the entrance to the cave. A lioness was standing there, staring directly at the bickering pair. "Sorry, madam, I was just… eh… speaking with the-" "Bickering sounded more like it." The lioness replied like a mother stopping a feud between two children. "I… uh…" the hornbill tried to pick his words carefully. "I have business to attend to for a moment." With that, the hornbill exited the cave, leaving Joseph and this blue eyed lioness.

"And you" The lioness started.

Jason sat for a few seconds with his jaw hanging down. "I'm just trying to find out what's going on."

The lioness came closer. "Are you alright? You came down from the sky in some sort of burning ball of... smoke or something." The lioness replied.

"Oh, right, my airplane!" Jason replied in excitement. "It didn't explode recently, did it?"

"Air-what? What are- ugh, we can work that out later, but no, it didn't explode"

Jason sighed in relief. "Ah, good. There are some very useful things I can grab in there and… wait. Where am I? How far am I from Johannesburg? And more importantly, why are there talking animals? Animals don't talk! I've never heard them talk before? Am I in some kind of coma, is this a dream of some sort? What is go-?" The lioness standing across from him smacked him in the face. "Ow! That hurt like hell!"

"So you aren't in a dream." The lioness replied smartly. "Whoever you are, I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Nala, queen of the Pridelands, the land you are in." The lioness sweetly said.

Still trying to accept this new reality he was living in, he nervously introduced himself. "Your highness" he began, figuring he should treat this authority figure with respect. "My name is Joseph Mcdonald. I'm from the United States of America, a nation halfway around the world. I was coming from Mozambique, which I assume is about 150 miles northeast of here considering my flight time." Joseph told Nala all about the warfare in Mozambique and how he had to flee, how his airplane (which he had to describe as "flying manmade metal bird") crashed due to engine fire, and how they ended up here.

"Well, you've been unconscious for about a week. My husband, Simba, King of these lands, will want to speak with you once he gets back from his last patrol with his daughter's mate and future king, Kovu. He may speak with you as well." Nala finished. As she started to walk out of the cave, Joseph spoke up.

"Your highness" he said, trying to be polite and respectful. "Thanks for saving my life. I owe a huge debt to you. But, can you do me a favor, please?"

Nala replied "You can just call me Nala, no formalities. And secondly, what would you like?"

"Can you send that bird… uh… Zazu back in here? I think me and him got off on the wrong foot."

"He will be sent in right now. Stay here for now, the shaman says that you shouldn't attempt to walk right now." And with that, Nala left the den. Soon, the bird flew back in with his brow furrowed in an angry look.

"Look… Zuzu?" Joseph asked.

"Zazu. Zuzu was my mother's name" Zazu replied, beginning to calm down.

"Zazu. I think we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Joseph Mcdonald. Sorry for being harsh on you back there, I didn't know what was happening. I apologize." Joseph said, genuinely making an effort to earn his forgiveness.

"Well, Joseph. I'm Zazu, King Simba's majordomo. Apology accepted." Zazu replied.

"You know, Zazu, something tells me you like to know about how things work. Why things tick a certain way. Scientific things." Zazu immediately perked up. He always had a curiosity for science.

"Well, you'd be right. But, what are you getting at?"

"Humans, Zazu, have figured out a lot using our technology. Maybe we can hang out here after dark, and we can discuss science. There is a lot that would surprise you." Joseph said. He wanted to be Zazu's friend. To be honest, he seemed like a pretty cool person who had an authoritarian appearance due to his job.

"Like what?" Zazu inquired.

"Time is a field which can be stretched or compressed by objects with mass." Joseph replied.

Zazu, dumbfounded by this, simply replied "I will meet you after dark to discuss this, but I want to hear your evidence for these claims."

Joseph just made a new friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Simba and Kovu were coming back from the final rounds of their day. It had been exhausting. Feuds between the Crocodiles and Wildebeest over water territories were getting absolutely nowhere, there were some petty squabbles between the Leopards and Cheetahs over some damn fool thing in the eastern part of the kingdom, and the pair had to remind the rhinos _yet again_ to stop encroaching on elephant lands. It was a chore.

"Is being a king always like this?" Kovu asked. "This entire day was nonissue after nonissue."

Simba replied "Yes, there are a lot of days like this. Epic battles and getting your way isn't all there is to being king. In fact, a good king almost always has to compromise with his subjects, make sure everyone is happy."

"I guess it'll have to grow on me in time" Kovu said.

"Oh, it won't" Simba muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Kovu asked

"Nothing, nothing at all." Simba replied

The two continued walking on to pride rock, asking questions, making the occasional joke here and there, but mostly just trying to avoid any more animals for the day so they could get home and eat something. Then, Zazu flew over to the pair.

"Good afternoon, Zazu." Simba said

"Good afternoon, Sire. I have come to inform you that the human at pride rock has woken up. He still cannot walk, but he can remember everything and speaks just fine. He says his name is Joseph Mcdonald."

"Wait, he has two names?" Kovu asked.

"It beats me, too. But, he is awake, and is awaiting your company."

"Thank you, Zazu. You may go home for the day."

"Very well, Sire."

"Well" Simba began, looking at Kovu with a smile "Let's meet Joseph Mcdonald."

"Wait!" Kovu said "Are you sure it's safe? He's a human. I've heard stories that they hunt lions. Some of them carry around these sticks that spit… lightning or something. They can kill anything. I think he's dangerous."

"Well, Kovu… I'm sure they've heard stories that we hunt them. And besides, you can't judge the many based on the actions of a few. We have to give him the benefit of the doubt at first. We'll see who he is. For now, he is a guest in the Pridelands, and he will be treated with respect. Besides, look what happened when I judged you at first. You certainly didn't like it."

Kovu, realizing Simba's point, decided to stop talking and keep walking.

* * *

><p>Once they got to the den where Joseph was recovering, they stepped in, and gave a formal greeting.<p>

"Hello, Joseph Mcdonald. I am Simba, King of the pridelands, and this is the prince, Kovu." he said, gesturing to the lion at his side.

Joseph, looking for the right words to say, looked over the lions for a minute. He wanted to try not to piss them off, because they were really huge and muscular, and they could easily make dinner out of them if they so wanted to.

"Your Higness, I am Joseph Mcdonald, born in the United States of America. I was flying from Maputo, a city in Mozambique, to Johannesburg, a city in South Africa, south of here. However, my airplane caught fire, and I crash landed here. That is what you saw. I want to thank you dearly for saving my life." Joseph offered an open hand to Simba. Simba, not knowing this gesture, just gave a quizzical look to him.

"What are you doing?" Simba asked.

"Offering a handshake. Oh, right. You just hold out your… uh… paw, and we shake hands. It's a gesture of friendship." Joseph tried to explain. Simba stuck out his left paw, which made an odd situation considering that Joseph stuck out his right hand, so both of their palms were facing the same way.

"Other paw" Joseph said. After finally negotiating the logistics of a simple handshake, the pair continued talking.

"So, Joseph, what is this 'United States of America' where you are from? Is it a human pride?"

"Of sorts. Human settlements are arranged into countries or nations. Nations can be made up of states, states of counties or districts, and those can be made up of towns. Unless you are in a country that doesn't run on a state system. Then… Ugh, it takes forever to explain. All you need to know is that it is a Human 'Pride' that is halfway around the world, spans the majority of an entire continent, and has about 300 million people."

Simba, completely awed by the wall of information that was coming to him, asked the first thing on his mind. "What do you mean, half way around the world? Isn't the world flat?"

Joseph, having to explain for the first time in his life things that seemed common knowledge to everybody he knew before, said "Yeah, the world is a round object. It doesn't have an edge. For instance, if you started here, and went east for a long enough time, you'd end up right back here."

Every animal in the cave, which included Zazu, Simba, Kovu, and all the lionesses listening in from outside the cave, was utterly confounded by this new world view.

But Simba, knowing he had to move on, kept talking to the human. "How many of your kind is there, Joseph?"

"In total? By now, about seven billion." Joseph said.

Everyone listening gasped. Seven billion was a number so large, they could barely wrap their heads around it.

Kovu then spoke up. "If you have such security in numbers, why do your people hunt lions?"

Joseph, doing his best to answer the question, said "We don't. We made poaching illegal. A long time ago."

Kovu, yelling now, said "THEN WHY DO THEY STILL HUNT US?!"

Joseph, flinching from Kovu's roar, yelled back "BECAUSE THE POTENTIAL PAYOFF IS HIGHER THAN THE RISK OF GETTING CAUGHT!"

"What do you mean?"

Joseph sighed. "Lion skins sell for a lot of money in illegal markets. Some people are willing to take the risk for the money it pays, which can support them for years."

"What is money?" Kovu asked. This was going to be a long day.

"Ugh… Money is a type of currency that can be exchanged for goods and services" Joseph explained.

Simba stepped in. "Kovu, I don't like that you had to yell at our guest. He doesn't have malevolent intentions. He came here by accident, and he is stating things that he knows. He just woke up from a terrible injury, he's in a lot of pain, and he's far away from any family or friends" Joseph chimed in "Thanks for reminding me just how bad my situation is." Some lionesses outside of the cave chuckled a bit from this, but Simba continued. "If you are going to be a King someday, you have to learn to have some empathy for people in need, and that not everybody is bad. I thought you'd learn that last week when I accepted you and the outlanders into my pride and let you be with my daughter. I am disappointed in you."

Kovu, with his head hung low, simply said "Sorry, Simba."

Simba replied "I'm not the one you should apologize to."

"My apologies, Joseph. I acted out of turn and let my prejudices get the better of me."

The fact that a prince was asking his forgiveness gave Joseph an odd feeling. "I accept, Kovu."

"Now, I am assuming you are very hungry. Do you eat meat, fruits, or plants?" Simba asked.

Joseph said "Humans are omnivores. They can eat whatever they want. But meat takes a little more preparation. I'd have to start a fire, cook the meat for a little bit to make it safe to eat, the-"

Kovu asked "Wait, why would you have to burn the meat before you ate it?"

Joseph sighed. He had a lot of things to explain to these lions.


	5. Chapter 5

The morning after Joseph met Simba and Kovu, he was cleared by Rafiki to walk around. And he was loving it. Looking down on the kingdom from the promontory of Pride Rock made him feel powerful. But he realized something. He had forgotten to meet the King's daughter. Thankfully, Simba was getting his morning report with Kovu and Zazu nearby.

"And at last, there is a meeting going on between the antelope and zebra today, but it might get violent. I suggest you be there to moderate, sire, but it isn't a necessity."

"I will be there. Thank you, Zazu, you are dismissed." The trio noticed Joseph coming up to meet them.

"Good morning, Joseph. See you can walk now." Kovu said.

"Good morning, Gentlemen" Joseph replied. "Simba, you mentioned having a daughter. I haven't actually met her yet. Is she around here?"

"Oh, yes, Kiara is in the den right now. She was a little sick when you woke up, and she was very tired. She's better now, though. Feel free to talk to her."

"Thanks, Simba. Zazu, once I'm done, do you mind showing me where my crashed airplane is? There are some useful things I can grab out of there."

"Of course, sire."

With that, Joseph walked into the den to meet Kiara. She was speaking with her mother, Nala.

"Oh, good morning, Joseph. You still think you're dreaming?" Nala joked.

"No, not after you smacked me in the face." Joseph said. The two laughed. "Is this Kiara?"

Kiara responded "Yes, that's my name. Nice to meet you! Good to see you are making a strong recovery."

"Thanks a lot, Kiara."

"Have you met my mate, Kovu?"

Trying to push back the argument they had yesterday, he simply said "Yes, I did. He was great."

"So, where are you going?" Nala asked.

"Well, I'm going to get to my crashed plane and see if there's anything useful I can grab" Joseph replied.

"Oh, mommy, can I go?" Kiara asked.

"Sure, honey. Just be back soon. We are going to hunt at midday."

"Thanks, mom!"

With that, Joseph and Kiara went out to Zazu to be taken to the airplane.

* * *

><p>On the way, Joseph asked about the history of the place, and Zazu gave a brief rundown of the Scar plot, Simba's return, Kovu's plot to kill Simba, and the pride's reunion.<p>

"Wow" Joseph said afterwards. "You guys really had turmoil in your past."

"Quite right, sire. It seems we can never catch a break, can we?"

Upon arriving at the airplane, Kiara and Zazu watched as Joseph opened the tail compartment of the plane.

"Let's see. We've got a flare gun for signaling, a first aid kit. Oh, a very good knife. A butane lighter and a flint and steel." Joseph took the lighter, brandished it in front of the faces of Zazu and Kiara, and struck it, producing a small flame. The pair were awestruck.

"How is it doing that?" Kiara asked.

"Oh, quite simple, really. Just some butane and a spark. It will be useful when I have to cook meat."

"Sire, what do you mean by 'cooking'?" Zazu asked.

"Didn't I explain this yesterday? Raw meat has a lot of bacteria on it, humans get sick from eating it. But, when you cook it in a fire, the meat is cleaned, and it tastes better. We also need to boil our water over fire to clean it, at least in the wilderness. Back in civilization, there are other methods of water purification."

"How did humans ever survive so long with all these weaknesses?" Kiara asked.

"Because we got the hell out of the wilderness." Joseph replied smartly. "Now, moving on, I got a sweater. Yeah, no need for that in Africa. An instant water purifier, so I don't have to boil it. Nice. We've got a couple of Meals, Ready to Eat. And last, a Survival handbook."

When Joseph flipped through the handbook, Zazu couldn't help but notice the strange markings on the inside.

"Sire, what are those markings?" Zazu asked.

"What markings? Oh, the writing. Well, that is written language. It is written in English, the language you and I speak. It has a lot of uses. For instance, if you need to remember to do something, just write it down. Or, if you want to pass off a message, write it down" Joseph said.

"How clever" Kiara noted.

"What does that say?" Zazu said, pointing to a sentence on page 3 while perched onto Joseph's hand.

"Well, let's see. Right here it says 'Stay positive. Sing songs, do poetry, keep yourself occupied and happy in order to survive. Do not lose morale. But most importantly, don't do anything stupid.' Ah, but it's no fun that way!"

"What do you mean, it's no fun? I personally don't see the joy in getting a wing broken!" Zazu chimed in.

"Oh, Zazu, live a little! Humans did stupid things all the time, look where we are now! What do you think was going through the mind of the first human that decided to try and start a fire, one of the deadliest possible natural occurrences? Probably, some really stupid things. But without fire, we couldn't have gotten to where we are today. So you got to live a little, and take risks, or else you may never move forward. In fact, Zazu, what is the one thing you think will never happen to you?"

"Well… Uh…" Zazu stumbled, nervous of something.

"Spit it out, Banana Beak!" Kiara chimed.

"There's this female I like." Zazu quickly stammered out.

Kiara immediately chimed in. "Oh, who is it? Come on, say it!"

Zazu quickly yelled out "Her name is Binti! I've had my eye on her for some time… I just…. I don't know."

Joseph said "You don't know how to talk to a girl? Wow. I didn't know you were pre-pubescent."

"Oh, shut up, Joseph!" Zazu shouted. "I just, don't know how I should approach her."

Kiara replied "So you _don't_ know how to talk to a girl. Just relax. Girls don't mind if you ask them out. Have you at least talked to her before?"

Zazu replied "Yes, me and her have had our liaisons. We chatted three or four times, mostly about happenings in the pridelands."

Joseph decided to pitch in with some sarcasm. "Wow, _really_ steamy romance you got going on there."

"Well, sorry if we aren't married with kids by now, but I have to start somewhere!"

"Where does she live?" Kiara asked.

"Not but a short walk away from here to the north direction. But I don't see how that has anything to do with-"

And with that, Kiara grabbed Zazu, and the three were off to Binti's nest.


	6. Chapter 6

While Joseph and Kiara were transporting the hostage Zazu to Binti's nest, Joseph had a hard hitting realization. He had to get rescued at some point. He had a lot of work to do on signaling devices, perhaps scouting out locations for human settlements. He had to get to work quickly, and here he was, messing about with relationship issues. But, perhaps the oddest part of all, Joseph just didn't care. He didn't care that he was trapped in the Pridelands, that his friends and family probably thought he was dead, and that there was a raging war going on in Mozambique. He was having fun. And something about it felt a little bit odd, like something was off, or wrong.

Kiara picked up on this, however. Being the compassionate lioness she was, she asked "What's wrong, Joseph? You miss home?"

Joseph, trying to pick his words correctly, replied "I don't know. I crash landed here, and I need to get rescued as soon as possible. I got a ton of work to do to get rescued. I might have to leave and search for human settlements. My friends and family probably think I'm dead. But you know what?"

"What?" Kiara replied.

"I don't really give a damn. And I give a damn that I don't give a damn. It gives me this odd cognitive dissonance. And for some reason, I can't make myself give a damn. Ah, whatever." He finished, trying to get back to being the happy-go-lucky person he was.

But, Kiara, always the psychiatrist she was, wouldn't have it. "Maybe you should talk about it. What was it like where you grew up?"

"Ah, don't start that crap with me. I don't like to talk about my childhood and feelings and such. It's always so serious. I just want to have some fun." Joseph replied

Kiara, playing a mental game of chess with Joseph, realized that he just didn't want to talk about serious things. She decided to perhaps talk to him later.

"Well, the nest should be around here" Kiara said.

Kiara, scanning the sky, saw Binti, who she had talked to once or twice. She landed in a nest right in front of them. Joseph pulled the now infuriated hornbill out of his pocket. "Well, looks like you're about to talk to your first girl."

Zazu, angrier than ever, spat back "You think I never had a lady friend before?"

"Oh, I know you never had a lady friend before." Joseph replied.

Zazu, trying to counter this, almost said something, but then realized that Joseph was actually correct, and stopped himself. He sighed. "Oh, I hope this won't be too awkward."

"Oh, it'll be awkward as hell, but that's how it always is the first time. Go get 'em, slugger." And with that, Joseph literally threw Zazu into Binti's nest from about twenty feet away. Under his breath, he proudly muttered to himself "Three pointer!"

"What was that?" Kiara asked.

"Nothing." Joseph replied.

"You think he'll be alright in there?" Kiara asked.

"He'll choke in fear." Joseph replied.

* * *

><p>In the nest, Zazu got up, dusted off his feathers, and opened his eyes to see Binti staring at him with a hint of worry and confusion towards him. "Are you alright? That looked like a pretty rough landing." Binti started.<p>

Zazu, mesmerized like an idiot looking at flashing lights, stared at Binti for a moment, looking at her lavender feathers. Then he remembered that he actually had to talk to her if he didn't want to be remembered as a stalker. "I'm fine, madam, quite fine."

The bump on his head portrayed otherwise, and Binti saw this. "Oh, poor Zazu! I think I have some herbs that can bring that bump on your head down a bit. It's quite obvious."

"Uh, Binti…"

"And maybe you should rest here a bit. You seem tired."

"Binti, I came here to ask you something."

"Excuse me?"

"There was something… I, uh… wanted to ask you." Zazu stammered out nervously, hiding his face behind his wings a bit.

"Well, go ahead, ask away." Binti replied as she looked around for the herbs.

"I was wondering…. Maybe… perchance…. You and I…. uh…"

"Well, spit it out, Zazu!" Binti demanded.

"I would like to know if you were available for dinner sometime soon!" He quickly rattled off, hiding behind his wings completely now.

"Oh, Zazu! You didn't have to make such a big deal out of it. Of course I can go to dinner with you. I will be available in two days. Where would you like to meet?"

"Oh… Well, to be quite honest I didn't think I'd get this far."

Joseph and Kiara, listening in from below, cringed a little bit at this. And somehow, Zazu sensed this.

Zazu continued. "I can set up dinner at my nest, if you'd like to fly there. Or, uh…" Zazu stuttered a bit as he tried to think of a romantic spot. "Maybe we can eat at the water hole?"

"I'd love to eat at the water hole." Binti said sweetly. "I'll meet you there."

"Yes… I'll see you soon, dea- I mean, Binti." Zazu said, mentally punching himself for the slip up.

With that, Zazu flew out of the nest, saw Joseph, perched on his shoulder, and clawed him in the face.

"Ow! Well, that was uncalled for!" Joseph said bitterly.

"You know what else was uncalled for, hmm? THROWING ME INTO BINTI'S NEST AND DOING A VICTORY DANCE!" Zazu yelled.

Laughing, Joseph said "You saw that? Ha!"

"Oh, don't be so mean to the poor little guy!" Kiara said.

"Little guy? I will have you know, Princess, that I am a fully mature adult!" Zazu chimed.

"But you acted like a scared little boy!" Said Joseph, now on the floor with side-splitting laughter.

"Oh, enough of that. So, do you have a date coming up soon?" Kiara asked.

"Well as a matter of fact, I do, in two days time at the water hole!" Zazu said, proudly.

"Crap!" Joseph exclaimed. "Well, Kiara, I guess I owe you half of my dinner."

And with that, Zazu went absolutely ballistic. "YOU PLACED BETS?!"


	7. Chapter 7

After Zazu finished venting his rage about how he was treated by Joseph, he had to leave to patrol the Pridelands. Kiara rushed back home to make it on time for the hunt. And that left Joseph alone with some valuable time to reflect. Earlier he said he didn't need the hoodie from the airplane, but then he remembered how freezing cold the nighttime was. He grabbed that, and started to pace around the wreckage thinking of things to do.

He had to walk slower due to his leg injury, so his boredom was effectively multiplied. Trying to think of things to do, he realized that he would have to make a fire later on in the day. So, after stopping by the water hole for a quick drink (and being asked by many wildebeest and zebras why he had to suck the water through a purification straw first) he set off on his way.

Opening up his survival manual, he saw that he would need kindling, tinder, and fuel. Those three log sizes were fairly easy to find, and by the time the lionesses got back from the hunt, he had set up a circle of rocks for a nice fire pit. Once the lionesses saw the obvious tower of sticks and logs, however, they got to asking some serious questions. Dotty, one of the former outlanders, spoke up first.

"Uh, human… What are you doing?"

"Okay, first off, I have a name. It's Joseph. Secondly, I am about to start a fire." Joseph said, not realizing his obvious poor choice in words.

That's when Dotty pounced on him and started to choke him. "Listen up, human! I just got to this home, and I won't have you burning it down!"

"Woah, woah, woah! Settle down, damn! It is only a bonfire, very small and controlled, just so I can cook my meat."

However, just then, Simba and Kovu arrived on the scene, saw Dotty holding down Joseph by the throat, and (naturally) sided with the lioness.

"What did Joseph do?" Kovu immediately said.

"This _thing_ plans on starting a fire!" Dotty replied.

"Well, yes I do, but not a destructive fire!" Joseph spat back.

"Well, what other kind of fire is there?!" Dotty inquired.

Just then, Kovu roared to shut the two up. "Dotty, calm down. He obviously wants to keep it controlled. I don't know how he plans on doing this, but let's give him a chance."

"Thank you, Kovu!" Joseph replied. "Now, I want to wait until dinner time to light it, that way, maybe it could keep us warm during the freezing cold night. So, when are we eating?"

"Right about now, actually." Simba replied. "The sun should be down in about two hours. You think you can keep the fire going for that long?"

"That's nothing." Joseph stated.

And with that, it was time for dinner. Joseph had thought that the royal family would get the first cuts, but surprisingly, they let the rest of the pride go first. "Why do you let the rest of the pride eat before you guys? Aren't you royalty?" Joseph asked.

"Exactly, Joseph. We are servants to the Pridelands. It is the citizens that come first." Simba replied.

"Well, I suppose so." Joseph replied.

After everybody had gotten their cut, Zazu arrived on scene, getting back from an evening of patrolling. Seeing a tower of sticks and logs, he asked Simba "What is going on? Why is everybody gathered around Joseph? And what's with the pile of wood?"

Simba simply replied, "I'm not sure, but he says he's going to control fire."

Zazu decided that he wanted to watch this. Not because he wanted to see Joseph pull it off successfully, but because he wanted to see him burn himself after the incident with Binti earlier that day.

Joseph looked in his pile, grabbed some Kindling, bunched it all up, and set to work. Pulling out the lighter, he set the kindling aflame, and everyone gazed at him in awe, wondering how he could do that. To them, it was dinner and a show. To Joseph, it was nothing special.

"It's so small. How are you going to keep warm with it?" One of the lionesses asked.

"First off, I hope that 'small' comment wasn't nuanced, if you know what I mean." Some of the lions, and even Kovu, got a little chuckle off of that. "Secondly, I am going to slowly add wood to it so that it gets larger."

Adding the tinder, the flame slowly grew, and the lions were absolutely mesmerized. They didn't know whether they were scared or exhilarated, but they were feeling some sort of energy from this flame. When Joseph started adding the fuel, the largest wood size, the flame truly became large. All in all, after about half an hour, the flame was almost as tall as Joseph himself. That's when he decided to stop adding fuel and cook his meat. Grabbing a stick, he stuck his meat, zebra, on the end, and was about to stick it in when Kiara chimed in "Hey! You lost a bet, remember?"

Joseph, remembering the bet earlier that day, cut off half of the antelope slice and gave it to her. The others, not knowing what they were talking about, were confused. Then, Simba decided to ask "What kind of bet?"

Zazu looked at Joseph with a look that conveyed that he would murder him if he told anyone. Joseph grinned a grin that said that telling everyone would still be completely worth it. Zazu's eyes begged him to stop. Joseph's eyes, in response, gave a look of complete enjoyment. He spoke. "Well, the bet that I lost, was that-"

Zazu quickly rushed in to stop the conversation, covering Joseph's mouth. "Oh, nothing, sire, nothing at all, just silly things… right? Joseph?"

"Zazu finally asked Binti out! The reason I lost is because I thought she wouldn't say yes! Kiara thought otherwise, she won."

Simba was about to speak up, until he saw that Joseph was being mauled by the tiny hornbill, who was at wits end by this point.

"Zazu!" Simba yelled. "Please stop mauling our guest."

Zazu stopped and turned to face Simba, who had an ear wide grin on his face, amused by the situation. "I'm terribly sorry, sire, I should have been patrolling around and keeping watch over the kingdom, but you see, these two-"

"What day are you and Binti meeting?" Simba asked.

"Oh, sire, don't tell me you condone this madness!" Zazu replied.

"What day are you and Binti meeting?" Simba asked again.

"Oh… fine. We are meeting at the water hole in two days time." Zazu said, losing any hope of recovering the situation. "I'm terribly sorry, sire, I have to work that day, my head wasn't right."

"You can go ahead and take that day off." Simba said.

"Really? Are you sure? Oh, thank you so much, Sire!" Zazu replied with glee. However, the ordeal wasn't completely over, because that's when all the lionesses of the pride started cooing over him finally asking a girl out.

"Now that that is over, I'll get back to cooking my meat." Joseph said. Holding his meat over the fire, the rest of the pride watched as his meat slowly turned from red to a nice, edible dark brown. Taking it out of the fire, he cut off a piece, stuck it in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. "Ah, medium rare. Just perfect." He muttered to himself.

Kovu, getting adventurous, decided he would have a crack at this new cooked meat himself. "Hey, Joseph? Do you mind giving me a little taste of that?"

Joseph cut a piece off and handed it to Kovu, who stuck the piece in his mouth. "How does it taste, honey?" Kiara asked.

"It tastes… really good, actually. It has this odd flavor to it." Kovu responded. "Here, Joseph. Take my antelope piece, and cook it like you did to yours!"

"No problem, Kovu!"

Soon, everybody was getting their antelope pieces cooked. Many of the lions loved the taste, and were licking their chops for more. By the end, the fire was still burning brightly, and the sharp coldness of the southern African nighttime was shooed away by the heat of the flame.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, Joseph awoke early, needing to get a drink and make sure that the ashes from the previous night's fire were cooled down enough to bury in the ground. After getting a good drink of water and filling up a bottle he had in his survival pack, he went back to pride rock to see Simba and Kovu on the promontory, up early for the morning patrol. Zazu had not arrived yet, and since Joseph had nothing better to do today, he decided he would try to help out the King and the Prince with their duties.

"Good morning, King Simba." Joseph greeted.

"Good morning, Joseph. How are you" He replied back.

"Good, Simba. Just good. Leg's feeling a little better now." Joseph replied. "Hey, I've got nothing better to do today. Do you mind if I join the morning patrol?"

Simba thought about it for a moment. "Sure, you can join. Just be sure to keep up. We have a tight schedule."

Now, normally, schedules would make Joseph really bored. But he figured that the landscape and civil disputes between animals should alleviate some of the boredom. Simba, naturally interested in politics, being a king and such, decided to strike up a conversation about politics.

"So, Joseph. The place where you were born, this 'United States', who is the king there?" Simba asked.

"We have no king." Joseph replied.

"What do you mean, you have no king? Is it just anarchy over there?" Kovu replied.

"Well, if you'd let me finish, I could get around to that." Joseph spat back. "Once every four years, we elect a leader, a President. However, while the president is the highest office in government, he doesn't have complete power. You see…."

* * *

><p>For about twenty minutes, Joseph gave himself, Simba, and Kovu a headache trying to explain the United States political structure in all its Catch 22 filled loophole glory. By the end of it all, the trio felt legitimately physically tired trying to understand it all.<p>

Sighing, Simba said "That all seems really complicated and hard to understand. So, while this 'congress' has the job of creating laws, the president can just veto it, even if it is largely supported?"

"Yeah, but he is expected to use that power very, VERY sparingly" Joseph said.

Kovu, gripping his head due to a headache from trying to understand all this, asked "How do the citizens keep up with all this?"

Joseph replied "I'm pretty sure they don't. A lot of people elect their president based on whatever party they're in or whatever they hear comedians say about them, without actually getting their facts straight. Needless to say, a lot of top list A-Holes get into office to push their own agenda. That's when people usually call them out on it, and repeat the process of electing a different A-hole after the previous one's four years are up."

"What do you mean, the people will call them out on it?" Kovu said. "Certainly, they wouldn't want to make the president angry."

"Oh, they don't have to worry. The country has a freedom of speech law. Basically, you can say whatever the hell you want about basically anything without any negative repercussions from the government. It's a good incentive for the leaders to not do anything stupid, because the people can easily call them out on it." Joseph responded.

"Ah, I see. So, it ends up working out, right?" Simba said.

"Not entirely. You see, some news givers are biased to one end of the political spectrum, so…"

* * *

><p>After ten more minutes and even more headaches from everybody, Kovu decided he was done hearing about Human politics, and decided to wait for Zazu. Lucky for Kovu, Zazu was just arriving.<p>

"Good morning, Sire!" Zazu said with a little more enthusiasm than usual.

Simba, taking a look up from the complicated diagrams that Joseph had drawn in a patch of dirt, replied "Good morning, Zazu."

"Are you all right, sire?" Zazu asked.

"Oh, I just got a bit of a headache, that's all." Simba replied.

"Ah, I understand. Anyway, checking in for the morning report!" Zazu said with a flair.

"Fire away." Simba replied.

"The Honey Badgers are having another border dispute, this time with the Jaguars. The Jaguars have given them warnings, and several times fights happened. But the Honey Badgers don't seem to care! The Honey Badgers aren't giving the least bit of attention. Moving on, we have a group of hyenas protesting on the border. Peaceful protesting, so far, but knowing the Hyena tendencies, they may try encroaching on your lands soon. Lastly, a dignitary from a neighboring pride may be visiting sometime today."

"A dignitary?" Simba asked. "From which pride?"

"A pride to the North. I'm pretty sure they're just starting out, but rumor has it that they come with peaceful intentions." Zazu replied.

"And the Hyenas? What are they protesting about?" Simba asked.

"Their angry that you let the human into the Pridelands, but not them." Zazu replied.

Everybody gingerly looked to Joseph. "Well, damn. Looks like that's one I gotta take care of." Joseph said.

"No, Joseph. You let us handle this. They'll probably want to kill you if you head out there." Kovu replied.

"So what? It'll be an adrenaline rush!" Joseph replied.

"Are you insane?" Simba said.

Joseph paused for a second and really pondered the question. After about five seconds, he shrugged his shoulders and made a gesture with his fingers that said "A little bit."

Kovu sighed and said "You know what? If you truly want to try to reason with them, go ahead. But at least let us be a presence."

Joseph shrugged and said, "Okay, sure. Whatever." And with that, the trio started patrolling.

* * *

><p>Throughout the whole walk, Simba and Kovu were pointing out places, their significance, and the history of the Pridelands. All in all, the whole patrol took about an hour and a half, and by the end of it, Joseph was mesmerized by the beauty of the place. It was all rich with history. It felt alive. They ended their journey at the crash site of Joseph's plane.<p>

"And at last, we ended up here, your crash." Simba said.

"Did you just give me a chronological tour?" Joseph asked.

"Yes." Simba said.

"Well. Thanks for including me in your history. It means a lot." Joseph replied.

"You are a very big step in this pride's history. Not many lions get to build bonds with humans. Maybe this will lead to some sort of peace between our prides." Simba said.

Joseph laughed a little bit and said "Who knows, maybe once I'm rescued, I can take you back with me to visit the United States. Before we go on to the Hyenas, though, can I grab another thing from the crash real quick?"

"Go ahead." Simba said. "Take your time."

Joseph went into the side door of the overturned aircraft and pulled out a long bag. After unzipping it, he revealed to the lions his guitar. He strummed a few notes of a familiar tune to him, and the lions, having never heard an acoustic guitar before, took it all in. But the two sensed more than just the notes he strummed.

"Is that important to you?" Simba asked.

"Yeah. My father gave it to me. It's called a guitar. He knew I loved music, and- Wait, do you know what music is?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, Joseph, we know." Kovu replied.

"Well, sorry Kovu. I've had to explain everything else so far, thought that would extend to music."

"What tune were you making with that guitar?" Simba asked.

"Oh, it's a song that I was into growing up. It's called, 'This Big World' from a human music group called 'Dead Gaze'."

"I've never heard music like that. Something about it sounded aggressive. Very aggressive. But it sounded happy, too. There's an odd discord about it." Kovu remarked.

"Oh yeah, it's a bit of an aggressive song. I guess there's a reason I got attached to it. But, that's a different story for another time." Joseph said.

Kovu thought he heard a hint of pain in his voice. The same kind of pain he knew from a difficult upbringing. But he didn't know how that could possibly contribute to Joseph's constantly joking attitude.

"Well, gentlemen, shall we continue on to my supposed death?" Joseph said, quickly casting aside his pain and putting on an air of happiness.

"I suppose so." Kovu said, still trying to understand what exactly made Joseph McDonald tick.


	9. Chapter 9

As the trio walked on to the Hyena protesters, Kovu kept pondering what could possibly be eating away at Joseph so badly, and most importantly, why Joseph put on a Façade of not caring. Was it even a façade? Did something traumatic actually happen in his past? Kovu sighed. Humans were so complicated. They had freedom of speech, but corrupt leaders. But even though the leaders were corrupt, a lot of people had plenty to eat. They could vote for whoever they wanted, but in the end, were always dissatisfied when the person they voted for doubled back on their promises. So is it a necessary evil? What went on in this human world?

"Hey, Joseph, you all right? You seemed a bit choked up back there. Something wrong?" Kovu asked.

"What do you mean?" Joseph asked.

Simba joined in, saying "Yeah, he does have a point. You sure you don't want someone to talk to? We've all been through tough times. We're here to help."

"Can we just not talk about this? I don't like to talk about my feelings…" Joseph started in a sarcastic matter. "I'm a _maaan_, and _men_ don't talk about their feelings!" Joseph said, making a pathetic attempt at joking. "Ah, dammit! Look, now even my jokes aren't funny! The hell, I'm not funny. Dammit!"

The two lions looked at each other, both with looks of confusion and sympathy, while Joseph had a bit of a nervous breakdown. Kovu leaned into Simba's ear and whispered "This guy needs some serious mental help. Just a day ago, he seemed like such a happy person. Now he's raving like an insane person."

"Don't we all need some mental help at some point, Kovu?"

"Yeah, but not like this. Zira brainwashing me was sad, but this…" Kovu gestured to Joseph, now on his hands and knees cursing to himself in some of the most obscene language possible. "…this is a travesty."

After a few minutes carrying on like this, Joseph went limp for a second, stood up, and simply said "Well, shall we continue?"

Simba and Kovu looked at him with utter confusion on their faces, shocked at how Joseph seemingly became a different person in one second.

"Yeah… Let's." Kovu said.

* * *

><p>For about twenty minutes, the trio had walked on, with Joseph back to his usual self. This time, however, nobody was laughing. It wasn't because the jokes weren't funny. They were actually pretty hilarious. But the juxtaposition of the broken Joseph the lions had seen before and the calm, cool, and collected Joseph that stood before them now was way too big to be healthy.<p>

Finally, they had arrived at the border of the lands. Sure enough, the place was full of hyenas, all thirsty for the blood of the human, the one they envied so much.

"What should we do, Simba?" Kovu asked.

"I think this would be a good learning exercise for you, Kovu." Simba replied, not knowing how to handle the sheer number amassed on the border."

"This would not be the best learning exercise for me, Simba!" Kovu responded

"Well, sometimes a king doesn't know what to do, Kovu! I've never had to deal with- Wait, what is Joseph doing?!"

What Joseph was doing was walking over to the mass of hyenas that wanted him dead.

"What's up guys! Heard you wanted me dead or something." Joseph said as Kovu and Simba looked on in horror.

The hyenas sure as hell didn't know how to respond. But, Joseph continued. "But, you know what? I don't think you guys are actually going to act on it! My personal opinion. Something just tells me that you guys aren't serious enough to-" Joseph never finished that sentence, as he was clawed on the face by a hyena that instant.

Kovu and Simba were about to start a full on war with the hyenas, until Joseph stood up again, even more enthused. "Now, that's what I like to see!" Everybody involved was very confused by now. "Now, I need to take you guys seriously, because I know full well that you guys will kill me if you get the chance! So, let's get this party started."

Everybody watching stood absolutely still from sheer confusion.

"My god, Don't just stand there, boys! Make small talk, talk trash, solve the issue, hold hands around a fire and sing Kumbaya for god's sake! Just do something!" Joseph said, trying to ease the tension.

Just then, Simba came up behind Joseph. "Look, Joseph, I think you have to leave."

"Leave? Oh, Simba, the fun has just started!" Joseph replied.

"No, this is not fun, this is insanity, this is madness!" Kovu started.

"Madness?" Joseph asked. "THIS IS SPARTA!" He yelled.

Now that Kovu and Simba were completely mortified and confused, knowing full well the political gravity of the situation, they decided that something had to be done with him before the protest with the hyenas got out of hand. The hyenas wanted to be let in because they thought that humans were being let into the pridelands. Coincidentally, they heard stories of the humans being deranged lunatics. And Joseph wasn't exactly tearing down stereotypes at the moment. Quite the contrary, he was behaving like a mentally deranged lunatic on a suicide quest narrated by the voices in his head.

"GO!" Kovu yelled.

Joseph stopped for a moment, turned around to face Kovu, and started walking. It was a strange walk, however. More like a sleepwalk.

* * *

><p>By the end of the day, Joseph had managed to walk ten miles outside of Prideland boundaries. Simba and Kovu, however, had thought he was just going back to Pride Rock. So when they arrived at Pride Rock and no Joseph was around, panic quickly set in. All the lionesses had scrambled around, looking for him. That is until Simba decided to call a meeting.<p>

"Allright" Simba started, with Kovu at his side. "So, I'm sure you all have noticed by now, that Joseph, our human guest, has gone missing. Well, I called us together to clear up a little bit of that. You see, earlier today, Kovu and I accidentally struck something. For the sake of his privacy, I'll say that what we struck was a bit of a psychological soft spot of Joseph's. Clearly, something is mentally wrong with him, because after we had struck this soft spot, he had gone absolutely insane. He's too dangerous. I don't want anybody looking for him." This caused whispers among the pride's lionesses. "Any questions?"

"I have one." Vitani spoke up.

"What is it?" Simba asked.

"Why aren't we looking for him?" Vitani inquired

"He's gone completely insane. He could hurt somebody, maybe not feel any remorse from it. He already hurt himself."

"What makes you think that he would hurt any of us? He can be easily overpowered." Vitani said.

"Vitani, we cannot waste any resources on finding him! We are already a pride of about fifteen. We need all the huntresses we can get to sustain the pride! Besides, why do-"

"Hello? Is this the residence of King Simba?" A voice from behind the group sounded. King Simba looked to the back and saw a white lion standing outside.

"Yes. Is this the dignitary from the pride to the north?" Simba asked.

"Yes, but we have your human friend here as well. He also brought along a cub." The voice added.

Simba rushed out of the cave, and sure enough, there was Joseph, covered in mud and cuts with large bags under his eyes like he had seen many years. In his hands was a little bundle of fur. A cub.

Joseph didn't remember much, but he had some serious explaining to do.


	10. Chapter 10

"Look, Simba…" Rafiki said. "This boy here…. He needs some serious help."

"That's why I called you. Are you saying you can't help him?" Simba asked.

"Rafiki is saying that scars heal a little at a time, but they heal much slower when somebody's entire skin has been taken off!"

"Kings above… That bad?" Simba responded.

"He is a crazy man, and you know that is a bad thing when it is coming from old Rafiki!" The baboon gestured to himself.

"Is there nothing that can help? If there isn't, we'll have to send him away from the Pridelands." Kovu said.

The baboon paused for a moment. "Old Rafiki knows that the issue only takes place when you try to help him with it. If you see him feeling any sort of emotional pain when he talks about the past, just do not say anything about it. There is another thing, but it will sound completely insane."

"What is it?" Kovu asked.

The baboon sighed. "The cub that he brought home today… it has developed some attachment to him. And from the boy's account, the cub seems to stabilize his outbursts. I don't understand it, but it is as if he needs the cub, even though he doesn't want him."

"What, are you suggesting that _Joseph_ out of all the perfectly fit lionesses in the pride should raise this cub. He's not a lion, he doesn't have the assets to feed a baby at that age, if you catch my drift. Worst yet, he just had a maniacal outburst! How is this your idea of help?! Joseph doesn't even want the thing!" Kovu spouted.

"He doesn't want it, he needs it. His outbursts calmed down once he laid eyes on the cub. Think about it, he spent his life working for others in a land far away from his home. Perhaps, now he has to take care of the cub. Perhaps, he did something terrible in his past that he regrets, and he has to make up for it by taking care of things. Perhaps his old method of taking nothing seriously is starting to fall apart!" Rafiki said, finally coming to a realization. "Rafiki has to meditate on these things. Listen to what Rafiki has said."

When Simba, Kovu, Nala, Kiara, and Zazu entered the cave Joseph and the cub were being held in, Joseph started talking.

"Look, Simba, if you want to kick me out of the Pridelands after all that, I completely understand, you don't have to hesitate."

"Joseph…" Simba started. "You don't have to leave. I wouldn't let you go out into the wilderness in your condition. But, Rafiki, after hearing your story, thinks that it would be best if you would… take care of that cub." He gestured to the bundle of fur in Joseph's lap.

"Yeah, about that, could you take that off my ha- Wait, what?!" Joseph said.

"Rafiki said that-"

"Rafiki said? Look, I know I'm in no position to say this, but that guy's insane!" Joseph interrupted.

"You're insane, Joseph!" Simba said in anger. "Look, when you looked at the cub, you finally came back into your normal self. We think that you need him to… stay sane."

"How would a kid keep me sane, Simba? You're a former parent, you know what kids are like, especially newborns like this…" Joseph looked down at the sleeping furball in his hands, looking for the right word. "…this….thing! They cry, they need to be cleaned up after, they need to be fed, they need to be loved on… Just, no! I absolutely hate children like-" Joseph was interrupted as the mewling cub began softly crying. "Oh, no, no, no, come on, boy, don't cry! Don't cry! Shhh, shh, shh, shh…"

The whole crowd then watched in complete confusion as Joseph successfully rocked the kid back to sleep like a mother. "You, see! I'm horrible with kids, I wouldn't last five minutes with one!"

"You lasted five minutes with _that_ one." Nala said.

"Nala, you have experience already. I got nothing. What am I to do for feeding this thing, anyway? I don't have… uh…" Joseph covered the cubs ears before he continued. "excuse my language, but I don't exactly have the tits to feed this thing!"

As vulgar as the statement was, everybody realized that Joseph did have a point. Joseph couldn't take care of it on his own. The cub would need a foster mother, of sorts.

"You're right. Kujali will have to do that. She's pregnant, she can feed the baby for a time." Nala responded

"Thank you! This baby can be put in with her's, and she can take care of it." Joseph responded.

"No, Joseph." Nala said. "You need to be the cub's father."

"No, screw that. I'm packing my things, and I am going downstream. Thank you dearly for saving my life, but I am not able to raise a kid. I just can't do it!" Joseph said, getting up and taking his things with him.

"Wait!" Kiara said. "Don't go now. Wait until morning, at least. There could be venomous snakes out at this time."

* * *

><p>As Joseph lay on the stone of pride rock, he tried to sleep. But he just couldn't. He was deathly afraid. He had somehow lost control of his mind and forgotten all about it. All the Lions here thought he was evil, most likely. He was far away from any human civilization, and what little family he did have was probably completely losing hope that he was alive. He had been there for twelve days, and only ten of those days, he was awake. The opportunity for rescue could have passed him by. He could have been home by now. Who was to blame? Himself. He felt as if he stuck himself in this situation due to certain… actions he committed in the past.<p>

That's when the young cub crawled to him, mewling.

"Ah, come on kid. Don't talk to me that way."

The cub playfully pawed at his face.

"You want to fight me, huh?" Joseph chuckled a little bit. But then, he returned to the completely out of character sadness he was experiencing.

The cub licked Joseph in the face with a look of worry.

"Nah, I'm not okay. I'm… uh… sad, I guess."

The cub mewed softly.

"No, I don't know, buddy. I don't know."

The cub rubbed his soft body up against Joseph's face.

"Look, buddy, I appreciate the effort, but please, let me brood in peace."

The cub tapped Joseph's nose with his tiny paw.

"That supposed to be an insult? Wow, _really_ hit me hard there."

Joseph held the cub in his arms for a little bit until it finally fell asleep. As it rested in his arms, Joseph came to the conclusion that he was never getting rescued. Perhaps it may have been true, perhaps it was cynicism. He didn't know at that point. But he did know something. If he was never getting rescued, why shouldn't he raise this tiny thing in his arms. Why shouldn't he do anything. He could definitely be a father and return to the happy, careless, funny A-hole that he usually was. Why not? He had nothing better to do.

"Jacob" Joseph quickly assigned the boy a name "… I will be the best damn father there is. Because I've got nothing better to do. And you'll grow up to be a strong man."

Unknown to Joseph, Nala and Simba were looking on at this, smiling internally.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Sorry for all the sad parts lately. Don't worry, I'm doing fine. I have just been listening to music that's depressing lately, for some reason. If you want to listen to the song I was listening to when I was writing this, listen to "Glowing" by D.A. Wallach, and watch the music video directed by Tyler the Creator for additional feels.<strong>

**Anyway, just wanted to say, big surprise coming up next chapter, so be prepared. Thanks for the reviews, thanks especially to ThatTexasKid for his input, and Merry Christmas!**


	11. The Actual Chapter 11

Joseph awoke from his dream with a Jolt. When he awoke, he found himself not in a helicopter, but sleeping on the rock of the cave that he had inhabited with the lions.

"What in the hell was that?" He muttered to himself. The dream he had just experienced was certainly odd. There was an odd voice in his head, narrating the whole thing. It referenced an audience that wasn't there, and it attempted a very rushed and poorly thought out view on the meaning of life that ended with some sort of repetitive word gimmick. In fact, the whole thing was just very stupid and unsatisfying, and it kind of pissed Joseph off a bit.. But whatever it meant, it did bring up one valid point.

What if he did get rescued while he was still raising Jacob? Jacob. That reminded him of something. He checked at his side, and sure enough, young Jacob, with his golden fur and green eyes, was there.

Joseph didn't lie to himself. He couldn't say he had developed an emotional connection to the little bugger, but something was certainly starting in place of one.

"Well, looks like I'm up a little early. Guess I could-" Jacob couldn't finish that thought, however, as Jacob had started to cry, making sure that everybody else was up early with him.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" He cursed to himself as he quickly rushed the screaming child out of the den.

But it was too late. All the lions and lionesses were awake at this point, ready to watch what would appear to be the freak circus of parenting techniques.

"Calm the hell down, kid! It's too early in the morning!" Joseph pleaded, having no idea how to raise any kid.

Then, Kujali calmly showed up on the scene. "You have no idea, do you?".

"Well, no shi-"

Kujali interrupted that thought. "No bad language around the baby."

"Dammit! Sorry." Joseph said.

"Watch." Kujali said. She calmly got down.

"Be calm, set him down." She said.

"Be calm, how am I supposed to be calm in this damn situation?" Joseph replied.

"Set the baby down next to me, now."

Joseph did as he was told. The baby found Kujali, and he started to nurse.

"Now was that so hard?" Kujali asked.

"Yeah, it was very hard. Did he have to cry about it and wake up the whole pride?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, Joseph, he did. He's a baby, he doesn't know any better." Kujali responded.

"God dammit. So, you're telling me that this is going to be every morning?" Joseph asked.

"And afternoon, and evening, and sometimes, even midnight, for the next two months." Kujali calmly responded.

"No, no, no! This is the thing that will drive me insane! I'd probably be better off actually going insane than having to raise a kid! This is just too difficult." Joseph said, beginning to hyperventilate.

Simba and Nala watched on from a distance, as the argument between Kujali and Joseph brought back memories from their first week as parents.

"Oh, my. Too many memories." Simba said.

"Yeah, definitely." Nala said.

"Remember that one time it was the middle of the night, and Kiara decided that she wanted to scream as loud as she could?"

"Oh, how could I ever forget it, Love?" Nala replied.

As Kiara and Kovu listened to Simba's conversation, the two decided to agree not to have children.

After twenty minutes of arguing, the baby was finally calm again. Joseph, however, was still not.

"This…. damn…. demon child…. awoke….everybody….from….their...sleep" He said, gasping between breaths.

"He isn't a demon child, Joseph. He's just a child." Kujali said.

"That kid… woke up the entire pride just because he felt hungry." Joseph said. "How is he not a demon child?"

"He doesn't know any better. So I suggest you pick him up calmly, take him back to Pride Rock, and prepare to watch him so that he doesn't go taking off. All. Day. Long." Kujali replied.

"Oh, god." He muttered as he tried to pick up the baby.

Of course, when he did it, it started screaming again.

"OH, FOR FU-"

* * *

><p>As Joseph sat upright on the stone, the young Jacob kept crawling away. And Joseph would bring him back to the same spot, only to have him walk away again. And this went on for hours, and hours, and hours. Joseph was just about ready to pack his things and jump off of the top of Pride Rock when Zazu showed up.<p>

"Ah, I see you are experiencing the miracle of fatherhood. Enjoying it?" Zazu asked.

"No, no, no. What Jesus performed were miracles. This…" He paused to put Jacob back toward him again, not breaking eye contact with Zazu. "This is repetitive nonsense."

"May I inquire as to who this 'Jesus' is?" Zazu said.

"Uh… Not important. I mean, Jesus is important. But, you know. Not to this… Ah, forget it." He said as he pulled back Jacob yet another time.

"Well, sire, Rafiki says this is the only thing keeping you sane."

"If this is sanity…" Joseph said, pulling back Jacob yet again, "I don't want it."

"Well, sire. I do wish I could help. But I have a date with Binti!" He said proudly.

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Joke's on me, ain't it? Just remember, you're welcome." Joseph said. "Just be sure to remember exactly how awkward it was and tell it back to me, will 'ya?"

"Well, before I fly off, may I suggest trying to entertain the cub?" Zazu asked.

"Yeah, sure. Suggest it, ask it, wipe your ass on it, I don't really care anymore." Joseph said, pulling Jacob back again.

"Well, best of luck with the little bugger, and I'll see you soon!" Zazu said, flying away.

"Yeah, have fun! Ass!" Joseph said in a very much active aggressive tone. But the more Joseph thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. So he grabbed his guitar, rushed back to where Jacob was, and started playing something, anything to stop the cub from trying to walk away.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Got you.<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

When Joseph got to where Jacob was, he started to think of something to play; a good melody, perhaps something simple that the cub could easily keep up with. So he sat down and started playing the first few notes of "Message in a Bottle" by The Police. And it worked. The cub turned around, sat in front of him, and stared up, fixated on the noise making device. Joseph looked around for a second, making sure nobody was watching him, and he started singing the lyrics.

"Just a castaway, an island lost at sea.

Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh.

More loneliness, than any man can bear

Rescue me before I fall into despair."

Jacob was absolutely transfixed on the noise, and he even began to do a little dance, bobbing his head up and down to the music. By the time Joseph had finished the song, Simba was right behind him.

"I see you found your method." He said, jolting Joseph out of his trance of staring at the cub.

"Hey, didn't see you there." Joseph replied.

"I listened the whole time. I've never heard music like that before." Simba explained.

"What do you mean?" Joseph asked.

"Well, for one, I've never heard one of those." Simba gestured to the guitar. "Secondly, just the style of the music was something I've never heard before. The lyrics were more nuanced than I'm used to."

"Thanks, Simba. I can play another one. Got to keep Jacob entertained, anyhow."

"That's his name, Jacob?" Simba asked.

"Yeah. My son, Jacob. I like the way that rolls off the tongue. Anyhow, I'm going to make sure he grows up to be a strong man someday." Joseph realized that he was already getting attached to the young cub, and decided to tone it down a little. After all, he had only known the little guy for a day. Whatever, he assumed. That's what those big, green eyes and fuzzy dark brown fur can do to you.

"Hey, where's Kovu?" Joseph asked.

"He's with Kiara. We got some free time today, and we have plenty of time before our next patrol." Simba replied.

"What's he doing with Kiara?" Joseph replied with a wink.

"What do you mean, exactly?" Simba replied.

Joseph paused for a moment, confounded by how oblivious Simba could be. "You know what, never mind."

And with that, he started to sing, "Carry on My Wayward Son" by Kansas.

The whole time, both the lions had their eyes glued to the guitar, amazed at the sound it made. It was something they had never heard before. By the time he was done, he had somehow amassed a small crowd of three Lions, a few Cheetahs, and one or two Zebras even. When he looked up from his guitar, he finally noticed the crowd.

"What are Cheetahs and Zebras doing in Pride Rock?" He asked.

"What's a human doing in Pride Rock? Keep playing, man!" One of the Zebras shouted.

Thinking of a song to play, Joseph quickly started strumming out "Fell in Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes, and when he was through with that, there were six Lions, nine Cheetas, five Zebras, and a Rhino. That's when Joseph finally felt a sense of importance that he had never felt before in his life. Tons of animals (or, uh, people?) had flocked to see his music when all he was trying to do was entertain his new adopted son with a song. He felt alive.

"Uh, Joseph?" Simba said. "The lionesses are dragging in the kill right now. You have to get these animals to clear out."

"Oh, damn. Zebras ain't gonna like it when they see old cousin Larry being dragged into the den with his neck snapped, are they?" Joseph asked.

"Slightly brutal way of putting it, but yes." Simba replied.

"All right, guys, I got to stop now. Go on, get home." Joseph yelled to the crowd.

When the crowd started to clear out, Joseph was feeling very good. However, not for long. The crowd was clearing out in the direction that the lionesses and their kill were clearing _in._ When they met about halfway down Pride Rock, the awkwardness was thick enough to cut with a knife.

"Is that… is that Coragem?" One of the zebras whispered. "No, that's my uncle. He was sick." Another one said quietly.

Simba just looked at Joseph, trying not to make eye contact with the zebras in this very awkward situation. Joseph, pointing out the obvious, stated "Damn, this is awkward."

By the time dinner rolled around, Joseph had gotten some fruits, because he spent all day with Jacob, and didn't have the time to gather firewood. Jacob went to Kujali to be fed, as usual, and Joseph spoke with Kujali.

"So, how is your new son?" She asked.

"Tiring. But, I got to admit, I am getting attached to him." Joseph replied.

"Any questions about parenting so far?" She asked.

"So many. I'm not sure where to start, really. Is there any way I can prevent him from crying in the middle of the night?"

"Not really. I'm sorry, but that's just something newborn cubs do."

"Ach! Okay, well, is there any way that I can tire him out so I have more time to hang out with my friends?" He asked.

Kujali thought for a moment, and then spoke. "Tell you what, Joseph. This boy needs a mother figure in his life. We can switch back and forth between days. That way, the boy is raised by the both of us."

Joseph thanked Kujali dearly, and with that, the night came, and the pride slept. Baby Jacob instinctively walked into Joseph's arms for the night, and Joseph made sure that his new son went to sleep, keeping on the lookout to make sure nothing hurt his son. 'Wait, what?' Joseph thought to himself. He was confused. He had never cared about a human so much. Maybe it was the soft brown fur and those beady green eyes again. But he realized that it could be more than that. In the course of one day, he grew to enjoy his new adopted son more. How all of that change could happen with one day and a cute face baffled Joseph. With that thought, he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

><p>All was not well in Mozambique. A couple of things had gone wrong. First off, the war between FRELIMO and RENAMO had become a giant stalemate. Nobody was gaining anything, and everybody was losing something. Also happening was that both sides wanted the United States to intervene for their respective side. The United States, however, did not want to intervene, namely because they were already fighting multiple wars in any place where turbans existed. The Mozambicans, however, didn't want to hear it, and both sides were scrambling for a good old American to kidnap for ransom money. No such American had turned up, however. They had all mostly fled.<p>

However, a RENAMO officer with an aircraft door handle shaped indent on his forehead was about to make a power play to get an advantage over his FRELIMO rivals.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait, guys. I've been traveling. Anyway, yes, the Mozambican War is coming back into play. If you do your research, FRELIMO and RENAMO are actual Mozambican political groups who fought in actual Mozambican civil wars. Just a fact.<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

When Joseph awoke the next morning, it surprisingly wasn't due to screaming children. To his surprise, he found his leonine son nestled warmly in Kujali's embrace, completely silent. Kujali laughed a little when he saw a bit of envy cross Joseph's face.

Kovu and Simba were already up, waiting for Zazu to come flying in. Joseph had this nagging feeling in him. No, not his insanity. It was something else. Something not quite as tragically humorous to watch.

"Good morning, Simba, Kovu. Mind if I join you on the morning rounds?" Joseph asked.

The two looked at each other with the same sense of Deja Vu, knowing full well what happened last time they let him help with foreign policy.

"Oh, come on, you two! Are you really still hung up on that whole schizophrenic insanity thing? It's been fixed, you know!"

The two lions still looked at each other. Simba finally decided to speak up. "Okay. Last chance. But, out of curiosity, why are you so eager to join us?"

"I just feel like I'm a bum in this place. I want to contribute to the pride, you know?"

"Well, you don't do that with fits of insanity" Kovu bleated.

"Yes, I understand that, KOVU! Say, you had some look on your face earlier, too. You got some skeletons you tryin' to hide from us?" Joseph replied.

"Uh..." Kovu stammered to find the proper words when he and Joseph noticed Kiara standing covertly behind her father, nervously looking at her mate.

"Well..." Kovu still struggled.

"Oh, I'm starting to make the connections here." Joseph said with a sly grin, earning him a death glare from Kovu.

"Wait, what connections?" Simba asked.

"Your daughter and I... uh... She's... uh..." Kovu, still wrestling with the task on his mind

"I'm pregnant, Daddy." Kiara finally spoke up. "Me and Kovu are having a cub."

What happened next was pure chaos. Kiara nervously smiled, Kovu reeled back in fear, Simba sat completely frozen (save for the twitching of his left eye), and Joseph, perhaps intentionally stirring up Simba, tried and failed miserably to stifle a laugh at all of their collective reactions.

"You are so screwed." Joseph said laughing to Kovu.

"Yeah, the laughing doesn't help, Jose-" Kovu was cut off, being pounced and held down at the throat by Simba

This only caused Joseph to laugh further, promptly earning him a swift clawing to the face by Simba.

Kiara rushed over to help Kovu and Joseph, but was startled to see Joseph get up (with blood streaming down his right cheek, mind you) laughing even harder than before, while cringing in pain at the same time. Kiara, then seeing that Joseph was oddly taken care of, focused her attention on saving Kovu, who was being brutally asphyxiated by Simba.

Kiara quickly trying to salvage the situation, attempted to calm her father down, seeing that Kovu had no intentions of fighting back.

"DAD! STOP THIS! HE'S MY MATE, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?" Kiara cried, sending Joseph reeling onto the ground with even more laughter, earning him another clawing to the other cheek by Nala, who had stepped in to salvage whatever was left of this absolute wreck. This didn't stop his laughing, however, and Nala had to use her command voice.

"SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!" She said after a loud roar. Seeing that Simba had turned his attention to Nala, Joseph had turned his attention to his now two bleeding cheeks, Kiara had turned her attention to tending to her mate, and said mate had turned his attention to supplying his brain the proper amount of oxygen again, Nala decided to continue.

"Simba! You are acting like an incompetent fool!"

"I'm acting like a fool? Do you even see that thing?!" Simba exclaimed, gesturing to the bloody faced human mess that had managed to start laughing again.

"YES! ALL OF YOU ARE BEING STUPID AND IRRATIONAL!" Nala sharply growled.

Joseph decided to butt in. "Now, ma'am, I understand how I'm being an irrational fool, but I don't see how Kovu-"

"SHUT UP!" Nala yelled. "Simba, if you can't accept that your daughter is going to grow up, I can't accept you!"

"I can accept that she's growing up, but being _pregnant_ is a different story entirely! If Kovu laid a paw on her-"

"I think it was a little more than a paw that was laid on her, Simba!" Joseph chimed, earning him a punch directly to the temple.

"I hate to say it, Simba, but the idiot is right." Kiara said. "We agreed to it. He didn't hurt me in any way!"

Nala spoke again. "Look, Simba you should know how this works!"

"How what works?" Simba replied.

"Well, you see, when two people love each other very much-" Joseph said before being kicked in the gut.

"YOU KNOW WHAT! You _should_ know, because I'm pregnant too!" Nala shouted.

"WHAT DID KOVU DO TO YOU?" Simba shouted.

"No, Simba, you halfwit! You did it to me." Nala said as Kiara tried to cleanse the image of this out of her head, while her mate struggled to get any clear thought into his head and Joseph struggled to get a non laughing breath out of his lungs.

"We're having another baby?" Simba asked, softly this time.

"Yes, honey... We're having another child. I've been pregnant for a month now. I... I just couldn't find the time to tell you." Nala sweetly said.

The couple rushed into each other's embraced and nuzzled each other deeply, while Kiara watched in awe how much Simba's attitude had changed in a second.

After a couple minutes, Kovu finally had the breath to speak.

"Simba... I'm sorry... if you want to cast me out... I understand." He said in between breaths.

"No, Kovu." Simba replied. "I was the fool. I hadn't seen the obvious, and still thought of Kiara as my little girl. But she's not. She's her own adult now, and I guess... I respect that. So it's up to you, now. You treat her well, Kovu. If you don't, then you'll end up back in the situation you were just in. But I trust you. She's your wife now, Kovu."

Kovu looked up at Simba's bulky form now, shocked yet relieved. "Simba, I love your daughter more than anything in the world. I would never do anything to hurt her. And if I do, see to it that I end up dead, because Kiara is my life. Thank you for being so understanding."

"I wouldn't call choking you to death understanding, Kovu." Joseph said, finally not laughing.

"You! I won't apologize for what I did to you. You were acting like an immature child." Simba said.

"Oh, I don't apologize either. Believe me, it was totally worth it. The look on your face, and the little twitch in your eye was _priceless_!" Joseph said before coughing up a little blood.

"Oh, kings above, are you alright?" Nala said.

"Yeah, Nala, I'm good. It's... uh... healthy cough blood." Joseph said.

"Are you sure, you look pretty beat up. Joseph, you could be seriously injured." Kovu said with a worried look on his face.

"Yeah, that blood came from my nose, not my lungs. I'm sure it'll be fine. Now can we carry on with the morning, or what?"

The royal family simply looked at how nonchalant he was toward the pile of his own blood collected on the floor and on his face, and decided to keep their mouths shut.

"Are you, uh... ready for the report... sire?" Zazu nervously stammered from a nearby rock.

Simba, snapped out of his trance, replied to his Majordomo. "Did you see any of that?" Simba asked.

"Actually sire, I saw all of it. It was quite brutal, actually, the way your claws dug into the guest's face, and the way you were choking Ko-"

"Spare me the details, Zazu." Simba sighed, closed his eyes, and said "just give me the report."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, guys. I have a life, you know. Hope you enjoy the chapter!<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

"Well, sire, It would seem that the Honey Badge- Oh, dear god, Joseph, there is blood running down your face" Zazu stammered out.

"Yes, Zazu, I know of this." The human replied.

"Your not going to... wash it off, or anything?" Zazu replied.

"Eh, I might rinse it." Joseph said nonchalantly.

"The report, Zazu." Simba said, annoyed by the sidetracking.

"Ah, yes. It would seem like the Honey Badgers have come to an agreement with us, and will be in line. The Cheetahs are still having territorial disputes with the wild dogs, it seems. The pride of white lions from the north are coming to visit here today!"

"May have to hunt some extra food. Will you tell this to the lionesses before they leave for the hunt?"

"Of course, sire. Final thing, I have another Liaison with Binti later today."

"Oh, _liaison_!" Joseph interrupted. "Didn't know you got _that_ far in one night."

"Well, sorry to burst your bubble, sir, but not everybody has the dirty mind that you do!" Zazu replied.

"Look, I get it if you're hitting it on the down low, but do you at least get her dinner first?"

"All right, that's enough! Stop talking!" Zazu exclaimed. "Now, is there anything else, sire?"

Kovu spoke. "One thing Zazu. If you could make an announcement to the kingdom of my wife's pregnancy, that would be great." Kovu said, still feeling the rush of being a new father.

"Well, you seem quite happy for a lion that nearly got choked to death. Consider it done, sire! Anything else?" Zazu said.

"Out of curiosity" Joseph said, earning a sigh from Zazu. "Who has the throne once Simba's kid is born. Does the whole kingdom have to wait for this new kid to grow up, or does Kovu still hold the real power?"

This question snapped the two happy fathers out of their trance. "Wait. He has a point." Simba said.

"Well, what does the law say, Zazu?" Kovu asked.

"Well, royal protocol dictates that if a male suitor is found for a daughter before a male heir is born, the suitor takes the throne." Zazu rattled off.

"Oh, good!" Kovu sighed in relief.

"Well, I'm off! Good day to you, sire."

"Good day, Zazu."

And with that, the odd trio began their morning patrols.

While the three walked the borders of the Pridelands, there was a good chunk of discussion devoted to the new fathers.

"So, Simba. How does it feel to be a father again?" Joseph asked.

Simba pondered the question for a moment. "Well, I don't know. I'm very happy for myself and Nala, but I am concerned because of our age. I mean, I have to face it, I'm not exactly in my spry young years anymore. Nala, though she still may look beautiful, isn't exactly young either."

"Nala does look great. Wait, was that out loud?" Kovu said, getting a death glare from Simba as the group stopped.

"Hey, I got _no _ idea what constitutes leonine beauty, so I'm gonna have to take that at face value." Joseph said, attempting to defuse the situation.

"You really are something else, aren't you Joseph?" Simba said.

"Humans call me an 'Asshole', Simba." Joseph replied.

"Oh, see, he admits it." Kovu said.

"How about you, Kovu? What does it feel like being a father for the first time?" Joseph said while getting out his survival canteen to take a drink.

"I just love Kiara so much. I... I can't believe I can be a father with her. It just feels so amazing. It's a blessing!" Kovu said

Joseph spit some of the canteen's contents out in laughter at this. "HA! Let me tell you Kovu, it may have felt amazing when you were _making_ your cub-"

"Please don't put that image into my head" Simba interjected.

"But _raising _the little bastard is a whole different story. Face it, Kovu. This little thing is gonna squirm, cry, drain all of your wife's attention away from you, and while she's pregnant, Kiara is gonna be quite insufferable. As a father, you have to be the stern disciplinarian, and Kiara will handle the tender loving."

Kovu's face tensed up for a moment. "Aren't father's supposed to love their children, too? I mean, a father has to do more than discipline his son, right."

"The hell if I know. I grew up without a father for half my life." Joseph said before his face tensed up. "Wait, did I say that out loud?"

Simba and Kovu looked at him with a bit of empathy on their faces, both of them having grown up a good portion of their lives without a father.

"Yeah... you did." Kovu responded.

"Ah, okay. So my dad wasn't around, big deal. You guys don't have to feel sorry for me. I've hidden it in a deep, dark corner of my mind to let it fester and stew. It'll be fine, I promise." Joseph said.

And with that, the crew pushed on, Simba giving advice to Kovu about parenting, and Joseph accordingly butting in to ruin the beauty in multiple moments.

Soon enough, they were in Cheetah territory, and were ready to meet the Cheetah representative.

"Good evening, Simba. Heard you got a cub on the way. Good on you! Good evening, Kovu, my boy! Heard the news, congrats on the new kid as well! Ah, the huma- Oh dear god, what happened to your face? There is dried blood and scars all over it and it looks like you were dragged through thorns." The concerned Cheetah said.

"Eh, I fell a little bit." Joseph said nonchalantly, ensuring that Simba didn't sound like a sociopath.

"So, what seems to be the problem?" Simba asked.

"Well, my king, the Wild Dogs and I are in a bit of a dispute over a certain source of spring water." The Cheetah started out.

"Go on."

"The Wild Dogs keep hogging up the spring in the heat of the day. It's killing us." The Cheetah continued.

"Okay, now, _killing _is a bit of a euphemism." Joseph butted in.

"It's a hyperbole. Get it right. Anyway, we would like you to remind the Wild Dogs who the spring belongs to." The leader said.

"Okay, first of all, my king isn't your personal favor doer." Joseph said.

"You think of me as your king? Wow. That... actually means a lot to me." Simba said.

"Priorities, Simba. We are dealing with a larger issue. Now, is this spring within your territory's borders? If not, we cannot let you annex a public resource. That's stupid." Joseph explained.

"It kind of isn't." the Cheetah said.

"The hell do you mean 'Kind Of'? It either is or isn't in your borders." Jospeh said.

"Okay, it isn't in your borders. Look, my king and I can go tell the Wild dogs to limit their usage of the spring, but that doesn't mean you can go claiming it."

"Ah! Fine. Go on." The Cheetah said, defeated. As the trio turned around to head to the Wild Dog territory, they all noticed something odd on the horizon moving perpendicular to them.

"Joseph. What is that?" Kovu said, nervous.

Joseph, after squinting his eyes for a moment, finally came to a conclusion. "That's a truck. It's a human machine."

"Well, that's your rescue, than, isn't it? Go signal it!" Simba said.

"Can't do that, Simba." Joseph said.

"Why not?" he replied.

"They got guns."

"Guns?" Kovu asked before squinting his eyes. "Are those... FIRE STICKS!?"

"Kovu! Rally up the lionesses, tell them to get to the cave now. If you see Zazu, tell him to tell the rest of the kingdom to stay as far away from them as possible." Joseph said.

Just than, another truck from the opposite direction came in. This one was carrying soldiers with a different color uniform. Some of which had rockets. It became apparent that this was the war that Joseph had tried to escape from.

* * *

><p>Once all the lionesses were huddled in the cave, Simba spoke.<p>

"Allright! The people you see out there are not friendly. They came with firesticks and what appears to be an army. So everybody, please hide."

"What did Joseph do?" One of the lionesses cried out, followed by many other jeers from the lionesses.

"I did nothing! Calm the hell down!" Joseph said.

"Why? They obviously have come to kill us. That human is a traitor and a spy!" One of the lionesses yelled.

"THEY HAVEN'T COME TO KILL YOU!" Joseph said, quieting down the den. "They've come to kill each other."

"Kill each other? Then why are we all hiding out here?" Kovu said.

"In human war, things get particularly nasty. What you will see out there today will involve a lot of blood, a lot of disembowelment, a lot of death, and a lot of pain and screaming. If you get caught up between the two groups, you will be hit. So everybody has to hide. Mothers, you may want to cover your children's eyes and ears. Simba, Kovu, you and I have to watch the whole thing to make sure it doesn't get too close to pride rock, so grab the popcorn. If it does, we will have to move."

And with that, Joseph left to stand on the promontory and watch the battle unfold.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: EXTREME thanks to Blair93 for telling me that I accidentally uploaded the same chapter twice. Sorry, guys. Anyway, this should clear things up.<strong>

**Also, If you are a good artist and want to illustrate some or all of this story, feel free. Hell, you can even take credit for it. Just let me see it, that's all.**


	15. Chapter 15

Simba, Kovu, Zazu, and Joseph all took their place atop pride rock to watch the battle unfold. Unfold it did, quite rapidly. Soon enough, the gunshots rang out in the air, and the Lions got scared.

"Calm down, Simba and Kovu. They aren't aiming for you, they aren't going to hit you." Joseph said, trying and failing to reassure his leonine friends.

"Joseph, how can you stand back and watch your people kill each other like this?" Zazu asked.

"Please! There's seven billion of us. This is practically a good thing." The human replied before an explosion rang out from afar followed by the cries of a man who appeared to have lost his arm.

"_That_ is a good thing? That can't be good! That man just had his arm taken off, you sociopath!" Kovu said.

"Well, did it kill him? No. Granted he's probably in a hell of a lot of pain, maybe dying from shock or blood loss, but the explosion didn't directly do it."

As if on cue, A shot rang out from a sniper rifle, and the wounded man dropped.

"See, it was the sniper that did him end." Joseph said.

"Okay, first off, I don't even know what that word means. Secondly, people are dying down there and you are using these sick and twisted ways of justifying it. Do you know how horrible that sounds?" Simba exclaimed before a rattle of gunfire and screams erupted from the far away battlefield.

"_That _horrible?" Joseph said.

"Yes, Joseph!" Simba said.

"Well, Simba, last I recall, you got into a bit of a fight with _this_ kid's mom." Joseph said, gesturing to Kovu. "Last I remember, you were shooting to kill on that one."

"Please don't bring up that memory." Kovu said with a tone of anger in his voice.

"Didn't she end up dead?" Joseph continued.

"PLEASE DON'T BRING UP THAT MEMORY!" Kovu yelled.

"Calm down, kid, I mean no disrespect to you. It may hurt like hell to pour rubbing alcohol on a wound, but it is worth it when you live to pour real alcohol down your throat later."

"What does that even mean?!" Kovu asked, getting angrier.

"The old wounds hurt the most to fix, Kovu. But you got to fix them to move on." Joseph said.

"But that's none of your business, is it?" Kovu asked, ready to kick Joseph off of Pride Rock.

"Okay, I get it, I struck a bad nerve, now can we stop talking about this?" Joseph said.

"No, let's talk about it. All you've done this whole entire time is come to _our _land and piss _us_ off! You don't seem to have any remorse for doing it, you've gotten us into some _very_ tricky situations, and I will not have another moment of you! I BANISH YOU FROM THE PRIDELANDS!" Kovu yelled.

"THAT AIN'T YOUR POWER NOW, IS IT!?" Joseph exclaimed.

"ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Zazu exclaimed. "You are both acting like stubborn headed buffoons! Joseph, Kovu has a point. You need to stop making people mad for your amusement! It is getting very old, very fast, and it is literally causing you bodily harm! Have you seen your face today?"

Joseph quickly pulled out the signaling mirror he had in his pocket, and got a good look at how truly mangled his face actually was from the morning's beating. "ACH!" He exclaimed, only recently feeling the full pain of the situation.

"And you, Kovu!" Zazu continued. "Joseph has a point! You are a good lion, Kovu, but just now I saw the vengeful killer that Zira wanted you to be!"

This caused Kovu's breath to quicken. A look of shock and humility crossed his face as he shed a single tear.

"Are you crying?" Joseph asked.

Simba decided to step in. "Zazu's right. Now I have something to say. You two clearly need to do something about this. Kovu, tomorrow you will not come with me to learn how to be a king. You will spend the day with Joseph. Joseph, what are you doing tomorrow?"

"I'm staying home to raise my son. Why?"

"Kovu is going to help you take care of Jacob tomorrow." Simba said.

"But, sir, shouldn't I-"

"Kovu, you are going to be a father soon. Consider this your training. You will spend the day helping Jacob take care of his son. No questions." Simba demanded.

"Yes, sir." Kovu replied, defeated.

"Joseph, you will accept Kovu's help and be courteous and kind to him. No questions." Simba continued.

"Yes, sir." Joseph said.

"Now hug." Zazu butted in.

"Hell no, Banana Beak." Kovu said.

"NOW HUG!" Simba demanded.

So the two looked at each other, agreeing silently that they would carry this shame to their graves, and hugged.

"Damn, your mane is soft, Kovu." Joseph said.

"Joseph..."

"Kind of like a big, fluffy blanket. I just want to cut some off and take it with me." Joseph said.

"Joseph, we can stop the hug now." Kovu said.

"No, no, no, no, no! Let me savor this." Joseph said.

After five more seconds of straight up coddling Kovu's mane, Joseph pulled away.

"Now, wasn't there a war going on down there?" Joseph asked.

The four looked down, and the scene was carnage. Everybody in the battlefield was dead, both the trucks were destroyed, and the vultures circled overhead, ready to scavenge a meal.

"Damn, that was fast." Joseph said.

"Really need to get you a little more interested on the value of sentient life." Kovu said.

"Well, clearly none of _them _are sentient anymore." Joseph said, followed by a blood curdling scream from the battlefield.

"Oh, wait." Joseph said. The scream happened again, but this time, it was cut off by what looked like an explosion.

"_Now _none of them are sentient." Joseph said.

"My god, you are a psychopath." Kovu said.

"Now, now, Kovu. I won't have to savor some of that sweet, succulent mane again, will I?" Joseph said.

"Great, you're creepy now, too." Kovu sighed, defeated.

"I think we all just find it odd that you can laugh so heartily in front of this bloodshed." Simba said.

"I don't know any of those people. It's disgusting, that's for sure. I may even get nightmares from it. But, it won't affect me too much emotionally. Now, do any of you want to come with me, I'm going to see what supplies I can get." Joseph said.

"Wait, you will wade into all that blood? Aren't you worried about getting some kind of disease?" Zazu asked.

"Actually, good call, Zazu. I'll wait for things to decompose completely. Won't want to get Ebola now, would we?" Joseph said.

"No, we wouldn't." Simba replied, not knowing what on earth Ebola was.


	16. Chapter 16

When Joseph woke up the next morning, he had his son by his side, looking at him wide eyed. Joseph smiled a little bit, and started petting the lion cub, causing it to settle down next to him.

"That's right, Jacob. I'm your dad. I'll always be here for you." Joseph said, partially as a joke. But as the seconds passed, Joseph realized that that was becoming more of a reality. He grew attached to Jacob. He started to feel a real emotional connection. And the little guy was starting to cozy up to him as well. That's when he started having thoughts of his father, who left him at an early age.

Joseph had no hard feelings toward his father. His old man loved him a lot, in fact. But his old man had no say in the matter, at least in a sense.

Joseph looked at his adopted Jacob once more, and felt a surge of love rise from his chest. He gave in, and pulled his leonine son into a deep, loving embrace.

"I'll protect you." He said.

Once the hug was broken up, Joseph realized that he felt some odd warmth going up and down his back. Turning around, he found something quite odd.

Kujali was awkwardly close to him, and she seemed to be enjoying her sleep a little... _too _much. In fact, when Joseph tried to get up, the lioness pulled him back down, embracing him tighter. But the final straw came when she used her rough, sandpaper like tongue to lick Joseph.

"Kujali!" Joseph whispered. "Kujali, wake up!"

Kujali awoke mid lick, and when she saw what she was doing, she froze a moment.

"You gonna stop taking advantage of me, Kujali?" Joseph said.

With that, Kujali pulled her tongue off of Joseph's face.

Kujali decided to quickly come up with an excuse. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry, I-"

"WOAH!" Joseph said. "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! Back it up a bit, lady. Did you just call me 'Honey'?"

"Um... No." Kujali said.

"Well, you were groping me like a plaything while you were asleep." Joseph said in an angry tone.

"I... Uh..."

"Jacob needs food. We'll talk about this outside." Joseph said, getting up.

* * *

><p>Kujali and Joseph walked outside the den, Joseph carrying Jacob. When Kujali sat down to let Jacob feed, Joseph began the interrogation.<p>

"So, what was all that touching about?" Joseph asked.

"I was having a dream." She responded.

"Who was in it, by chance?"

"A rogue, the same one who got me pregnant." She responded.

"Please, spare me the details." Joseph said, a look of disgust crossing his face.

"Look, Joseph! I'm pregnant! Okay, I was getting a mood swing, and I had some urges."

"Oh my god, that's disgusting!" Jacob exclaimed.

"I couldn't control it, okay! So maybe I was dreaming about you. That doesn't matte-"

"IT DOES MATTER QUITE A LOT, ACTUALLY!" Joseph said. "Look, you need some help. I'm not sure if this was a one-off urge, some primal instinct or what not, but if you do, truly love me, you need to go see Rafiki and get some professional help, because I sure as hell don't love you."

"You... You hate me?" Kujali said, beginning to cry.

"Goddammit, no, Kujali, I said I didn't love you. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm not a lion, you perverted psychopath!" Joseph replied. "Look, this conversation got _way_ more disgusting than it had to. I have to go with Kovu today to raise Jacob. You just take some time off, and remind yourself of what species you are. Do not tell anyone else about this. We carry this to our graves, you got that!"

"Yes, Joseph." Kujali said.

"Good. Come, son."

The little cub finished drinking milk and went into Joseph's hands, completely oblivious to the argument that had just happened.

The three walked into the den where Kovu sat waiting patiently.

"You ready to go, Kovu?" Joseph asked.

"Yeah, I'm good to go." The dark maned lion responded.

"Allright. We're going to the water hole."

Kovu, Joseph, and Jacob were on their way to the water hole when Kovu started to talk to Joseph.

"So, Joseph, what are we going to do at the water hole?" Kovu asked.

"I don't know, probably just hang out. Maybe teach Jacob a little bit. Maybe just play around. Here, you want to hold Jacob for a bit?"

"Sure." Kovu replied.

Joseph set Jacob onto Kovu's back, where he started crying.

"Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry, little guy!" Kovu said.

"I got him." Joseph said, picking up Jacob and holding him close. "Aww, do you not like that big mean lion?" Joseph baby-talked to his son. The young cub actually nodded his head, causing Joseph to laugh.

"Oh, shut up!" Kovu said.

"Aww, Kovu, he hates you! Oh, he's growing up to be like his father so fast, aren't you, little guy?" Joseph said, mockingly.

"He doesn't hate me! He just isn't used to me, yet, that's all." Kovu retorted.

"Really? Well, than, you can carry him all the way to the water hole, and you can see how hard it is being a parent then."

"Game on, you furless monkey!" Kovu challenged.

Joseph put Jacob back on Kovu's back, where he started crying again.

"Sh, Sh, Sh, Calm down, little buddy, I'm not gonna hurt you!" Kovu said, trying to calm the young one down.

"While you listen to that, I'm just gonna shove this here mud into my ears." Joseph said.

And like that, Jacob rode Kovu's back all the way to the water hole, crying his eyes out all the way.

"Is it really this bad? I feel like I'm going to go deaf!" Kovu said.

"Yep. Doesn't feel so good now, does it?" Joseph said.

"Why is he less afraid of a human, anyway?" Kovu asked.

"Beats me. All I know is that I am his father, and you are not." And with that, Joseph picked Jacob back up and sat down near the water. The cub immediately quieted down with his father's touch. "But, I'm starting to love the little guy, I have to admit."

The cub mewed a little bit, looking like it was trying to say something.

"Look, he's trying to talk!" Kovu said.

"Well, spit it out, boy!" Joseph said.

"Mee... mee" The little cub started to say.

"Oh, god, this one's going to be a self centered a-hole, isn't he?" Joseph said.

"mee... mean!" The little cub said, pointing at Kovu.

"HA! I knew it!" Joseph said.

"No, you're mean!" Kovu said.

"Mean!" the cub retorted, still pointing at Kovu.

"I carried you all the way here!" Kovu said.

The cub stuck out his tongue and made a face at Kovu in response

"Oh, good, he's just like his father!" Kovu said, sarcastically.

"Hey, I didn't teach him _that_." Joseph said. "But, I can't say I'm not proud."

"Daaa... daaaa..." Jacob said.

"Oh, he's saying something else!" Kovu said.

"He's about to say Dad!" Joseph said, a genuine smile crossing his face.

"Daaa... Damn." Jacob finished, immediately wiping away Joseph's smile.

"What? No, no, no! Don't say that, that's a bad word!" Joseph said, trying to salvage the situation.

"Damn, Damn, Damn!" Jacob continued, smiling, completely oblivious to the word's meaning.

"Oh, Dammit! Wait! I can't say that word. Damn! Wait." Joseph said, trying to make sense of the situation.

"Oh, yeah, father of the year, aren't you?" Kovu said, rather unhelpfully.

"Shut up, Kovu!" Joseph replied. "No, Jacob, bad!" The human said angrily.

"Baa... Ba... Bad?" Jacob responded, beginning to cry.

"Yes, bad." Joseph said, causing the little baby to cry.

"You knew he was going to cry if you continued, so why did you do that?!" Kovu asked.

"Because he needs to learn that that is a bad word." Joseph said.

"The boy was just emulating his father!" Kovu said.

"Yeah, but I want my son to grow up better than me!" Joseph retorted. "Oh, shhh, don't you cry now, Jacob. Just don't say that word again, okay?"

The cub sniffled a bit before talking again. "Okay?" He said.

"He still doesn't know how question and response works. Ah, that'll come in time." Joseph said.

Soon enough, things got boring. That's when Joseph noticed a hill covered in mud...


	17. Chapter 17

Kiara sat on the promontory of pride rock, looking out over the kingdom and silently reflecting.

"I know that look" Said a voice from behind her.

Kiara turned her head to address the voice. "What look, Mom?" Kiara said to her mother.

"You're worried?" Nala asked, eliciting no response from her daughter. "Don't worry, Kiara. Kovu will be a great father, I can tell."

"I know, mom. But, it's not him that I'm worried about." Kiara replied.

"Okay, who _are _you worried about?" Nala inquired.

Kiara hesitated for a moment before continuing. "It's the human. I'm worried that he's going to be a bad influence on my child. I mean, he certainly doesn't have the most... well..."

"Restraint?" Joseph replied from behind the two, startling them both. "Ah, don't worry. I'm not offended by it. Go ahead, say it. I ain't the most kind, heartwarming, loving, or caring person you ever met. If you want me to stay away from your kid, I got no problem with it. Besides, I got enough on my hands with one of them."

"Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you!" Kiara said, ashamed.

"What did I just say?" Joseph said with an air of sarcasm. "Look, Kovu's gettin' a handful of my kid down at the water hole. I just got to grab some painkillers."

"Painkillers? Did you hurt yourself? We can help." Nala replied.

"What are you gonna do, lick my wounds? Yeah, I'd rather use some antiseptic. Besides, I just sprained my wrist, that's all."

"How did you do that?" Kiara asked.

"I tried to go down a mud covered hill and land in the water hole. It was more shallow than I thought." Joseph told.

"Kind of like your mind." Kiara uttered to herself, earning her an angry nudge from her mother.

"Oh, now _that's _ what I like to hear! That one took some nuance, some creativity and wits! I like it. Keep it up. I gotta go." Joseph said, leaving the two lionesses in bewilderment.

"Wait, Joseph!" Kiara asked. "Can I go with you? I want to spend some time with Kovu."

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead."

* * *

><p>The two walked on to the waterhole, striking up a conversation.<p>

"So, Joseph..." Kiara started, trying to ease the awkwardness of getting caught talking about Joseph behind his back. "What was your childhood like?"

"Oh, Kiara, you know I don't like to talk about this!"

"Look, Joseph, I just sense that you have some emotional pain in your life that you can't shake, and I want to help."

"Well, _princess_ it is locked away in a deep, dark corner of my mind to fester and brew until it becomes a crippling substance addiction. So calm down, and realize that you aren't going to help."

"That's just it, though! You don't want my help! It makes me afraid for your safety. I just want you to open up. Clearly, something traumatic happened in your past, or something! Nobody acts the way you do." Kiara said with the tone of a mother.

"Gosh, _Mom_, it's not your problem, alright?" Joseph said.

"Okay, well, will you at least tell me where you grew up?" Kiara asked.

"South Central Los Angeles. You happy?" Joseph replied.

"No, I'm not. I don't even know where that is."

"Remember that big country that I talked about, America? It's a part of a town on the western shore of that nation. It's oceanfront views and sweeping landscapes with gang warfare and everyday nonchalant violence added as the cherry on top."

Now, Kiara didn't know what on earth a cherry was, but she did understand that it wasn't the best of places for a child to grow up.

"Okay. I see. But why don't you talk about it?"

"Because there's nothing I can do to change it, so what's the point of complaining?" Joseph asked.

"Because you need to recover! I can see it." Kiara responded, almost like a loving caretaker.

"Fine. I'll give you the watered down version. Things happened when I was young, I hung around the wrong people. You happy?" Joseph inquired.

Kiara sighed, but took what little victory she could get. "Yes. I know a little more now."

"Good. We're almost there."

* * *

><p>When the two finally got to the water hole, Kiara ran up to Kovu and nuzzled him.<p>

"Hey honey." Kovu said sweetly, looking relieved as Joseph took his son back from him.

"Good morning, my sunshine. How's it been raising Joseph's cub?" Kiara asked.

"Oh, kings, where to start. It's... a challenge. He's just like his father." He replied.

"Oh, no." Kiara started. "Is he being a little defiant?"

"No. He can talk. And the first thing he ever said was to call me mean. That lead Joseph on this godawful laugh about me for hours. That kid hates my guts, I swear."

"Give it some time, hun. He's not your son, after all. But I think you can talk to your child." Kiara asked.

"What?" Kovu said, forgetting for a moment that he was a father. "Oh, right! Has my future child been causing any problems with mommy?" Kovu asked, leaning into Kiara's stomach.

"No, Kovu. Mommy's been just fine." Kiara said.

"Gotta call BS on that one. Uncle saw mommy hurling over the edge of pride rock when he was coming to get his happy pills, ain't that right, Jacob?" Joseph said, interrupting the once beautiful moment.

"Ya!" Jacob responded.

"Oh, he can talk now?" Kiara asked.

"Yep. Show her, junior. Ki...aaa...ra!" Joseph said, pointing to her.

"Kiara!" Jacob rattled off in response.

"Good job, my boy!" Joseph said in delight.

"Wow, he's really picking up quickly. He'll be making sentences in no time." Kiara said.

"If that impresses you, watch this. Who's that over there, Jacob?" Joseph asked, pointing to Kovu.

"Meanie!" Jacob replied, causing Kiara to instantly look at Kovu.

"I did nothing! The kid is bent on messing with me, I swear!" Kovu said, attempting to dispel Kiara's angry glare.

"Aww, you poor thing! Did my hubby mess with you? Was he a big, mean Lion? Oh, come here you little adorable thing!" Kiara cooed.

Kovu, shocked that his wife was taking the side of a one and a half month old baby over him, simply watched the scene.

"I swear, I did nothing to that kid, Kiara! He's delusional!" Kovu said, trying to save himself.

"He's actually right, Kiara. Kovu did nothing. Doesn't mean I'm not proud of the little guy, though." Joseph said.

"I understand that feeling." Simba chimed in from behind, startling Joseph.

"Simba! Your highness! Jacob here's getting a little lonely. When do you think he'll have a playmate, eh, hotshot?" Joseph asked.

"What? Oh! Nala has apparently snuck her pregnancy under my nose for a month. Two more, and Jacob will have somebody to play with."

"Still havin' kids after all those years. That tells me all I care to know about the intensity of your relationship." Joseph said.

"Let's not talk about that right now!" Simba said.

"Only three months to have a baby. Wow, that's a short amount of time." Joseph said.

"How long do human pregnancies last?" Kiara asked.

"Nine months." He replied.

"Oh, my. Nine months? I can't imagine that." Kiara said. "Why does it take so long?"

"Oh, god, here we go..." Joseph said, rolling his eyes at having to explain something yet again. "Well, you see..."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Sorry this chapter is a little boring. Hit a bit of a writer's block. It'll pick back up soon, I promise. Also, If you got a deviantart, feel free to draw this all you want. Heck, you can even take credit for the idea, for all I care. <strong>


	18. Chapter 18

The sun was high over the Pridelands, beating down continuous hot rays. Joseph floated atop the water in the watering hole, trying to catch some sleep while cooling off. However, a mischievous young cub saw this, and set to work.

He stood at an overhanging ledge and waited for Joseph to drift over to his position. When the man was just below the cub, dozing off like nothing was happening, the young cub made his move.

He jumped off the ledge, formed himself into a cannonball, and landed square on Joseph's stomach.

"OOMPH!" Joseph said. "ACH! The hell's wrong with ya', boy!"

The young cub, laughing, replied "You should have seen the look on your face, dad!"

"I wish I could, ass!" Joseph replied, smiling a little bit. "Oh, my boy, I'm afraid you'll turn out just like me."

"Really?" Jacob said, excited.

"Yep. Come here, boy, give your dad a hug!"

Joseph hugged the now three month old cub tightly, and right when Jacob got comfy, Joseph smacked him on the back of the head.

"Now don't do that again! Got it?" Joseph said, smiling.

"Got it, dad." The young cub replied, laughing a bit. "So, dad, can we go to the top of Pride Rock now?"

"Depends, did you get all your homework done?"

"Yeah, all of the alphabet is written in the sand over there, now can we go? Please?"

Joseph looked over and saw the letters written in the sand.

"Where's the letter K?"

The young cub groaned, paddled to the shore, and hastily wrote a K in the sand.

"Eh. A little to the left, please."

The cub got back out even more agitated, erased the old K, and moved it slightly to the left like his father asked.

"Okay, okay, does it look better now?" The agitated cub asked.

"Not exactly. Take a closer look. You tacked it in after L, when it should go before L."

"Dad! Why do I have to learn all this, anyway?"

"Because, if I get rescued, I want you to come back with me to human society. I don't want to leave you behind."

"You won't leave me to die! I've got Mommy, and Simba, and Nala, and the rest of the pride! And besides, didn't you say you got no place to stay back home because you were… uh… layguh… something…"

"Legally dead? Well… Sh*t, I can't argue with that." Joseph said, defeated.

"You said a bad word!" Jacob retorted.

"Okay, okay, you got me. Don't tell mommy, though, okay?" The human pleaded.

Thinking for a moment, the young cub came up with a crafty plan. "Under one condition."

"Oh god, my son's a negotiator." Joseph replied while rolling his eyes.

"You take me to pride rock right now." Jacob said.

"Okay, we were going there anyway."

"AND, you make some of that meat-water stuff." Jacob demanded.

"You mean the Antelope stew?" Joseph asked.

"Yeah! That." The confident lion cub said.

Joseph did a little thinking of his own, but after a few seconds, he realized it was a better alternative than getting yelled at by Kujali, who had taken to being the boy's adopted mother, along with mothering two children of her own: Neema, a girl, and Nguvu, a boy, both of whom were born when Jacob turned two months old.

"Okay, kid. You win. Now, come on, let's get to the top of Pride Rock."

* * *

><p>On the way there, Jacob pestered his father with the usual cub fascinations. Why things fell from the sky, why the sky was blue, and why the sun rose and set. Joseph did his best to explain the most scientifically accurate causes of all these things, but the conversation started to break down when he had to explain space-time and relativity to the child, who, having the mind of a 6-year old child, couldn't quite wrap his head around such conundrums. The conversation eventually shifted to human history.<p>

"Hey, dad?"

"Yes, Jacob?"

"Where did animals like you come from?" The child inquired.

"Oh, god. There are so many stories for that. I personally don't know which one to believe. Did god make us? Did we evolve? Did god create evolution to make us? I got no idea kid. I believe in God. I also try to be a man of science. I really don't know how to answer this one, kid."

The young cub, naïve and curious, offered a fix. "Well, we can start from you and work backward. Where did you come from, daddy?"

"A New Years Eve, fireworks, and a lot of tequila." Joseph replied, sending a look of confusion across his young son's face. "You'll understand when you're older."

"Where did you really come from, daddy?"

"I… I don't like to talk about it." Joseph replied.

"Why not?" The cub asked.

"Brings up… memories." Joseph said.

"Oh… Well, where did I come from, daddy?" The cub asked.

Joseph sighed a bit before he responded. "I remember finding you alone. I saw your big, green eyes staring up at me. And I just couldn't resist taking you home with me. Yeah, daddy likes to act like a big, strong person. But I am a sucker for cubs, I guess."

"Is that where all babies come from?" Jacob asked.

"No." The human father replied, avoiding the subject.

"Where do they come from?"

"Let's see… about two minutes of fun followed by eighteen years of financial debt. If you're lucky… yeah, that should cover it." Joseph calculated. "You'll know when you're older."

"Oh, come on now, parenthood is more pleasant than that!" A voice said, approaching the two.

"Uncle Simba!" Jacob said.

"Hey, there! Staying out of trouble?" Simba asked.

"He has been from what I've seen." Joseph replied.

"Oh, that's not saying much." Simba replied while he hugged Jacob.

"So, how's Nala today? She's expecting soon, right?" Joseph asked.

"Yeah! I can't believe it. I'm going to be a father again."

"What's his name, Uncle Simba?" Jacob asked.

"Well, Jacob. We think we're going to call it Kiongozi if it's a boy. We're not sure what we'll call it if it's a girl."

"Uncle Simba, where did Nala get a baby?" Jacob asked, the question still burning in his mind.

"Well, that's one place where your father's words are right. You'll know when you're older."

"But Simbaaaaaa!" The cub pouted.

"Jacob! What did I tell you about people who complain and pout?" Joseph said.

Jacob rolled his eyes and recited "Nobody likes them because they are commies who only whine about their problems instead of doing something about it. Sorry, dad."

"Jeez, Joseph, that's a little harsh, isn't it? And what's a 'commie', anyway?" Simba said, taken aback a bit.

"Sire!" Zazu interrupted, swooping in. "It's Nala. She's going into… uh, Joseph, you may want to cover Jacob's ears."

Joseph did as he was told, and covered Jacob's ears. "So, it's about that time where the really big thing is violently forced out of the really small hole, ain't it, Simba?"

"Kings above, Joseph! Childbirth is a wonderful thing. You make it sound… brutal."

"Actually, it is quite brutal. But that really wasn't helpful." Simba said before being hit with a realization. "Wait, my wife is going into labor! My sweet Nala! I got to go to her!" And with that, Simba was off.

"Wow, such a f*cking romantic." Joseph muttered under his breath.

"Well, I can't blame him, Joseph. I have been feeling the same way about Binti recently."

"Yeah, you're welcome." Joseph said.

"Dad, can you get your hands off my ears now?" Jacob said, causing Joseph to do just that.

"Anyway, you gonna ask the question soon?" Zazu looked confused, not knowing what Joseph was hinting at. "Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Do you want to be a millionare, baby!? Are you gonna ask her to marry you!?"

"Oh, Joseph… we've only known each other for three months now! It's too early." Zazu said.

"Isn't three months like, a long time for Hornbills?" Jacob asked.

"Not at all, sir! We can live to be up to 40 years old, actually!"

"Oh. Still, though, you can use a lady bird, if you know what I mean." Joseph said.

"What do you mean, dad?"

"You know the answer to that, son."

Zazu, fed up with the situation, spoke up again. "Look, we can deal with that later. But Queen Nala is having a child right now! If that's not your chief concern, you need to get your priorities straight. I have to go back and check on Simba. I'd suggest you don't disturb him. He's probably a nervous wreck, like he was last time."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Sorry bout using the "LOLSEXJOKE" card too many times in this chapter, but most of us here are adults. Just kidding, most people who read fanfiction are probably really confused and outcasted pre-teens who still haven't had "the talk" but know most facts from weird people on the street. Wait, did I just insult my entire fanbase? Ah, who cares.<strong>

**Anyway, I have a life, so I can only update on weekends. God, I need to start my homework. It's ten o clock on Sunday. Ah, forget it.**


	19. Chapter 19

Joseph and Jacob sat at the top of Pride Rock, looking down at the kingdom as the lionesses dragged in their kill for the evening meal. The sun was getting lower in the sky, and the young cub stood in awe of just the height of Pride Rock.

"See all of this land, Jacob?" Joseph said to his son.

"Yeah, Dad. This is so cool!" Jacob replied with enthusiasm.

Joseph got close to his adopted son and pointed to a river about five miles off. "That river marks the outermost-"

Joseph was cut off with a blood curdling scream from what sounded like Nala down below.

"Dad, I think Nala's in trouble." Jacob said.

"No son. That's just her giving birth. Ignore it for now, probably means nothing. Anyway, that river marks the outermost-"

He was cut off again by another scream. But, determined, he continued. "… the outermost border-" he attempted to say as he was cut off by yet another scream of labor. "My god, lady, I get that you're in labor, but please just shut up for one second." Joseph muttered under his breath. "The outermost border of the pride-" he said before he was cut off again, this time sighing and rolling his eyes.

"Dad, we gotta go help her!" Jacob said. "I want to see what's going on!"

"Uh, trust me kid. You do not." Joseph replied.

"How do you know what I do and don't want?" Jacob said rebelliously

"First off, I'm your Father, don't talk to me that way. Secondly, trust me. You do not want to see what Nala is doing."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Just trust me, Jacob."

"I HATE YOU FOR THIS, SIMBA!" Nala was heard down below.

"Why is she saying that, dad?" Jacob asked.

After muttering a swear word under his breath, Joseph said "You know what, let's go on a walk."

Just outside the cave, however, Simba was pacing nervously, and Kovu was trying to calm him down.

"Look, Simba, I bet this is completely natural." Kovu reassuringly issued.

"DID YOU ENJOY IT, SIMBA? BECAUSE I'M NOT ENJOYING IT NOW!" Nala yelled in pain from inside the cave.

"Oh. Well, I'm sure that's just the crippling pain talking, Simba. Don't feel disheartened."

"I caused Nala pain. This is all my fault. I can't believe I did this to her." Simba said, panicking to himself.

That's when Joseph walked onto the scene "Calm down, Simba! My god, you're acting like she's never given birth before. Yeah, when another living being is getting shoved out of an orifice, it's going to hurt like hell. You got to man up and realize that, while it is your fault-" He said before getting cut off by Simba beginning to sob.

"Is he… crying?" Joseph asked.

"That was not helpful, Joseph!" Kovu scolded.

"My… sweet… Nala" Simba choked out between sobs.

"My god, you are a hopeless, romantic wreck. I thought you were a king." Joseph said, shaking his head as he looked at the crying mess.

"JOSEPH! Not. Helping." Kovu said sharply. "Look, Simba, she may be in pain now, but remember what is coming of it, okay? You're having another kid. Another beautiful baby to take care of and love."

"Honestly, I don't see how that is reassuring." Joseph interrupted.

"SHUT UP! Look, Simba. Don't worry. Everything is going to be just fine. She's done this before." Kovu said.

Simba slowly looked up at his friends. A smile than grew across his face. "I'm a dad again. I'm having another kid. I… I don't know what to say."

After one final scream, and a moment of anticipation, Rafiki stepped out of the den.

"Simba…" He began with a smile "Meet your new son."

* * *

><p>With that Simba rushed into the cave as fast as he could. Kovu was about to follow him, but Joseph stopped him before he got around the corner.<p>

"We should probably give those two a few minutes of privacy."

Simba walked up to the now resting Nala, who was cleaning off a little ball of fur in between her paws.

"Nala…" Simba said softly and sweetly.

A tear came into the Queens eye as she smiled and looked at Simba. "He's beautiful, Simba."

She opened up her paws and introduced the child to his father for the first time. As the cub took his first look at Simba, Simba shed a single, joyful tear. "Hey, there." He said softly. "I'm your dad." Simba lowered his head to nuzzle the child. "I love you, son. I will make sure nothing happens to you. Or I will die trying. My sweet… sweet… what is his name, again?"

"Oh, Simba!" Nala laughed.

"I'm sorry, hun, I was caught up in the moment!" Simba replied.

"We were going to name him Kiongozi, remember?" Nala said.

"Oh, right! My sweet Kiongozi… My little Kion. He's perfect."

The two sat there, observing their cub, mewing, yellow with spotted legs. When the sun set, they invited everybody back into the cave to look at the new child.

* * *

><p>Kovu, upon seeing the cub, took a look at Kiara. "See that? We're going to have one of our own."<p>

"Yeah… right…" Kiara said in response, a little downtrodden.

"What's wrong, love?" Kovu asked.

"Well…. I'm just worried…. From what I heard outside the cave?"

"You mean the cries of intense pain and suffering? Oh, yeah, it's gonna hurt like hell." Joseph butted in.

"JOSEPH! Remembered when we talked about statements that were true, but unnecessary?" Kovu said.

"He's right, Kovu. I'm worried about that. What if I don't make it? What if the cub doesn't make it?"

Nala walked over to her daughter. "Honey… I'm not going to deny that it is painful. There is a chance of injury… a chance that your cub won't make it. But look at your little brother. What do you feel?"

Kiara glanced at Simba, who had his eyes fixated on the young Kion, completely entranced, with an expression of bliss across his face. "I feel… happy. Truly happy."

"Yes, my daughter. That's how you'll feel once it is all over. And when you see your cub for the first time, you will feel as though all the pain in the world was worth it."

With that, Kiara relaxed a bit. Looking at Kovu, she said "I understand. It will all be worth it once I see what Kovu and I made."

Nala got back to Simba, who was cleaning off the now fast asleep cub, and licked him on the cheek. "I love you, Simba. I know we fight sometimes, and we forget things occasionally… but I always love you."

"Not what I heard from the top of pride rock." Joseph butted in. "In fact, when I showed my son the top of pride rock, I very distinctly heard 'I hate you for this, Simba'. It got pretty graphic. Had to tell my son to go on a walk with his mother."

"Well, Joseph, childbirth isn't pleasant. It makes you say things you don't mean." Nala replied, laughing.

"So, you going to celebrate at all?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, actually. Whenever a member of the Royal family is born, all the animals of the Pridelands are assembled, and the child is presented." Zazu chimed in as he flew through the cave entrance.

"Ah, perfect! I've been waiting for a good time to use this!" Joseph said as he pulled out a flask.

The lions and Zazu looked at Joseph. "What is it?" Kovu asked.

"It's Bourbon. Classic alcohol." Joseph said.

"What's alcohol?" Simba asked.

"Fermented fruit juice. Bourbon, specifically, is Corn, Barley, and Rye. Love that stuff."

"Hmm. Want to give Kion a drink?" Nala asked. "He is the center of all this, after all."

"What?" Joseph said before remembering that Lions wouldn't know about the effects of alcohol. "Oh! No, no no no no no! You do NOT want to give this to children. It will mess with their brains."

"Well, can I have a drink of it?" Kiara asked.

"Nope. It'll cause serious birth defects in your future child. Pregnant women are not allowed to drink this." Joseph said.

"How about me? I'm not pregnant." Nala said.

"Are you planning on nursing your kid?" Joseph asked.

"Well, yes. I'm his mother"

"No, then. It'll probably make your milk harmful for the baby."

"Is this 'Bourbon' even meant to be consumed?" Simba asked.

"Well… It's okay for adults who aren't nursing or pregnant to drink it… in moderation." Joseph said.

"Then I'll have a sip of it." Kovu said.

"Okay, have a sip." Joseph said as Kovu opened his mouth and Joseph poured a sip into it. Kovu's face tensed up as he swallowed some.

"My god, this tastes awful." Kovu exclaimed as he gagged from the taste.

"Well, if you drink enough of it, your brain slows down. Your reaction time becomes worse, and your speech gets slurred. But, you feel like you can accomplish anything. Either that, or you get really depressed." Joseph said before downing the rest of the flask in one go.

"How do you enjoy the taste of that stuff?" Kovu asked.

"You acquire it. You just got to drink it enough, really." Joseph explained.

"Dad, Dad! I heard the cub was born! Can I see him, can I see him?" Jacob said as he bounded into the cave.

"I hope it's a girl, Mommy!" Neema, Kujali's biological daughter said.

"No, I want it to be a boy!" Replied Nguvu, Neema's sister.

"Hate to break it to you, Neema. He's a boy." Joseph said.

"Aww, man! Well, can I see him, Uncle Joseph?" Neema asked.

"Sure. He's over there."

As the three cubs bounded over to their soon to be playmate, Joseph picked up his guitar, headed to the ledge of pride rock, and strummed a quick song. A little bit from the beginning of "Paint it Black" by the Rolling Stones. Yeah. That felt right for some odd reason.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Please do not send requests to put yourself in my story. I am not your writing whore. Unless you pay at least $350. <strong>

**Anyway, Yes. Kion is born. I personally am looking forward to the show. It's something to write about, and it will most likely jolt a little energy back into the lifeless, shambling corpse that is The Lion King. I mean, yes, it is a great movie, but content has obviously been lacking in recent years, mostly because movies are done deals that don't get spinoffs, especially after 20 years.**


	20. Chapter 20

When the sun rose on the Pridelands the next morning, the cave was absolutely livid with excitement as the lionesses were anticipating the day's ceremonies. But, alas, the King still had to do his morning rounds, and Simba took one last fixated gaze upon his cub.

"Gotta admit, Simba. He is cute." Joseph said to him while clutching a rifle he managed to scavenge after the battle he had witnessed.

"Yeah… My son… Kion. I love him already." Simba drawled out dreamily to himself.

"Well, you've done this before. I'm sure he'll grow up to make a fine young man." Joseph said. "Long as he don't take after me, that is. I bet he'll be a hit with the ladies." Joseph remarked.

"Joseph!" Nala laughed as she held the Cub.

"Well, I'm just tryin' to think optimistically. So, what is he going to do?" Joseph asked.

"What do you mean?" Simba replied.

"What is he going to do? Kovu will be king before him, and as far as I know, they got an heir and a spare on the way. What is his position going to be?"

Simba and Nala's ears perked up as they heard this. The question had been in their minds, but it certainly hadn't popped up until now. Simba thought for a moment before Joseph spoke up with an idea.

"You can give him a menial and useless title and hype it up to be important. That tends to work in human society."

Zazu, who previously had been waiting to deliver the morning report, decided to jump into the conversation. "Well, Joseph, that certainly is a pessimistic way of looking at things. However, Sire, if I may add, there is a certain position in royal protocol that is to be designated to heirs who will not be king."

"What's that?" Simba asked.

"They are called the Guard." Zazu asked.

"Ah, so you have a military!" Joseph chimed in.

"Of sorts" Zazu began. "The Guard would be an around the clock watch of the Pridelands, protecting and keeping the utmost standards along our borders, and being ready to solve civil disputes that get out of hand. Kion, being your youngest son, would be the head of this group."

"Ah, I see. More like a police force. Would they take over morning patrols?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, Joseph." Zazu replied.

"I'll take it" Simba piped up. "I don't want to spend so much time away from Nala as I have been in the past. Having a guard could certainly allow me to spend more time with loved ones."

"You know, Simba, you could just ask me if you want me to take over the morning shift. I got my rifle, and I'm competent with it." Joseph said before pulling the slide back and ejecting a perfectly good round. "Ah, dammit!" Joseph said as he fumbled around trying to get the bullet back into the rifle's magazine, but to no avail. "Okay, _usually_ I am competent with this thing."

Just then, Jacob's voice echoed through the cave "Hey dad! What does this thing do?" before a loud bang frightened everybody.

Joseph instinctively rushed to where Jacob was, tore the pistol away from his paws, and spanked him. "How many times have I told you not to touch that, boy! How many?"

"A lot, Dad! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I just didn't think it would hurt anybody!" Jacob replied.

"Didn't think it would hurt anybody? The hell's wrong with ya', boy!" Joseph aimed the gun at a small rock nearby and pulled the trigger, blowing the rock into smithereens. "Did you see that? You have to know how to use this before you even come close to it, and even then you have to always treat it as if it were a loaded firearm that could go off at any minute. You are too young to handle a firearm!" The lionesses had crowded around, awkwardly staring at the father and son. "See, you made a scene. Now they think we're insane. Come on, follow me."

"But dad, you said you were insane." Jacob said.

"I know what I said, boy!"

* * *

><p>Joseph dragged Jacob out of the cave by his ear, where he immediately started to cry.<p>

Joseph looked at his son, sighed, and pulled him in a tight, genuinely loving embrace, a tear dripping from his eye as well. "You had me worried, Jacob. I thought I lost you."

Jacob choked out words in between sobs. "I… I… I just… didn't know… how dangerous it was… I… I-"

"I know, son. I know, shhh… Don't cry, alright?" Joseph cooed, trying to calm himself down.

"And… I… don't… like… getting… spanked." The child said between breaths.

"Do you think I enjoy spanking you?" Joseph asked. "Look at me. Look. I don't enjoy spanking you. I hate seeing you sad. But I would hate even more to see you dead. Okay? You could have died just now. I'm glad that you didn't, but I have to make sure you never do that again. I love you. I can't imagine living without you."

"I… I understand, dad. I'm sorry." Jacob said, wiping a tear from his eyes.

"Now, you're going to wipe your tears, be strong and stoic, and go in there and own your mistake. You're going to be grounded today, and you're going to take it like a strong man. You won't make this mistake again, you understand?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, sir" Jacob said, trying to keep a straight face.

Joseph patted his son on the back and sent him back into the cave to his mother with an "I love you". And with that, Joseph grabbed his rifle and went back to Simba and Kovu.

* * *

><p>"Checking in with the morning report!" Zazu reported in.<p>

"Fire away!" Simba exclaimed, happy as a clam.

"As you know, Kion's presentation is happening today, so we have to be extra careful with security."

"I can roam the grounds and handle that. Just know if you hear any gunfire, hide the kid immediately." Joseph said.

"Thanks, Joseph. The opening statements for the ceremonies are to be made, of course. Simba, you can either make this statement yourself, or you can elect somebody to do it for you."

"I would like Kovu to make the opening statement." Simba said.

"What? I mean, it's an honor, Simba, but are you sure you don't want to do it?" Kovu chimed.

Simba explained, "This is an important moment in the merging of our Prides, Kovu. I want the citizens to know that they can trust you. You take the opening statement."

"Yes, sir" Kovu replied.

"Well, with that out of the way, that leaves only one thing. Sire, would you like to invite the neighboring prides to strike up a betrothal deal?" Zazu asked.

"Invite the other prides. But, I won't have my son betrothed. You know I don't believe in betrothal" Simba said.

"You sure, Simba? The political benefits of a betrothal could do some serious good!" Jacob said.

"Do you really think kids are pawns in political games?" Simba asked.

"Hell yeah, they are! That's a part of being royalty, isn't it?" Joseph said.

"I'm not sure what human traditions are, but he's not getting betrothed, and that's final." Simba said.

"Very well, sire. Well, then, the only thing left to do is go on with it." Zazu finished. "I will be keeping an eye from the sky until I show up for the ceremony, as is tradition."

Joseph pitched in. "It's a big day, boys. Hopefully it'll go well, but you never know. Let's get this done smoothly and safely. Well, let's execute."

And with that, Simba, Kovu, and Joseph set off for the border, readying themselves for another patrol.


	21. Chapter 21

On the first leg of the patrol, the animals of the kingdom were ceaselessly congratulating Simba on the new cub. Simba did his best to be polite and thank them without getting distracted. Some of the other animals cooed over Kovu and asked him how Kiara was doing. Others, still, were asking for a demonstration of Joseph's rifle. His answer was no to all.

By the time the three had finally pushed to the border, they were relieved to finally be away from the crowd.

"My god, is it always like this on presentation day?" Joseph asked.

"Just about. The animals always love hearing about the royal family." Simba replied.

"So, Simba, when your son grows up and starts the guard, will I still have to do this patrol? I mean, it is an all day watch, right?" Kovu asked.

"No, you won't have to patrol in most cases." Simba began. "Once a guard is formed, a king's job goes more political. Zazu will first inform the guard of threats for their patrols, and then will report to you about political issues. We had a guard for a short time after Scar's death, but they ended up becoming Zira's pride."

"Wait, so the guard doesn't have to be hereditary?" Joseph asked.

"If the future kingship is already selected by the time a second heir is born, the second heir gets to lead the guard. The guards themselves can be anybody." Simba explained.

"I could start a guard for now! I used to work as a guard on the graveyard shift at a local business before coming down to Africa. I saw my share of odd stuff, believe me." Joseph said.

"Really? Well then, after the ceremony, come back to Pride Rock, and I can elect the members of a new guard. If you do take it, however, you will have to train Kion and whatever next generation wants to join him." Simba said.

"Yeah, sure. At least then I'd be contributing to the pride instead of mooching off of you guys." Joseph said.

"Very well, then. Get on a knee." Simba ordered.

"Excuse me?" Joseph asked.

"We are doing the ceremony now" The king explained.

"Oh, okay." Joseph said, getting on a knee.

"Kovu, shall you agree to witness this assigning ceremony as it is presented before you?" Simba asked.

"I…uh… yeah, I do." Kovu replied, fumbling for words at how sudden the ceremony was.

With that, Simba started the speech he had memorized during kingship training. "Joseph McDonald, I offer you the opportunity to serve as head of the Lion Guard, and to defend the Pride Lands with your life, if need be. If you accept, you must carry out your orders in a lawful manner, agreeing to kill nobody unless absolutely necessary. You must agree to pass judgement and only to apprehend, allowing me to give fair trial. You must agree to attempt to stop small civil disputes before they end in violence. You must agree to train future guard members. Most importantly, you must agree to be more morally upstanding than the average citizen. Do you agree to these terms as I have explained them to you?"

Joseph carefully thought for a moment, but finally said "I agree."

"Then without further ado, let it be known to all the animals of the Pride Lands that Joseph McDonald shall be the leader of the Lion Guard until proper time arises for him to relinquish his position to the royal prince Kiongozi, Son of Simba, per order of His Royal Majesty, King Simba, son of Mufasa. Arise, Joseph McDonald, and carry out the orders as I have listed them to you." And with that, Simba finished his speech.

"Yes, your majesty." Joseph said. "Wow, I just got to say, that is a brilliant speech. Did you have to memorize that?"

"Yes actually. I've been teaching Kovu that speech for a bit now, actually. How far along are you on that, by the way?" Simba asked.

"Well, I managed to get to 'Passing Judgment' before I was completely lost." Kovu responded.

"It's normal to get lost during that." Simba said.

Joseph took a deep breath and looked around. "So, I'm head of security around here?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Kovu affirmed.

"Wow… so, uh… This feels good. I have power. Well, shall we continue forward?" Joseph asked.

* * *

><p>The animals of the Pride Lands had all gathered around Pride Rock by midday. Joseph stood with them, eyes peeled for anything suspicious.<p>

The wind died down as Simba, Nala, Kovu, and Kiara stepped onto the promontory of Pride Rock. All eyes watched as Simba began his speech.

That's when Joseph noticed something from the back of Pride Rock. Odd, considering that the presentation was going on out front. Joseph picked up his rifle and moved on to the back to investigate. He wasn't going to mess up on his first day of the job. He wasn't going to let Simba down.

As he ran along the side of the wall, Kovu took a quick glance, noticing Joseph moving towards the back. He sensed that something was amiss. "Honey, we weren't getting any visitors, were we?" He asked Kiara.

"Yeah, we were supposed to be receiving the queen of the Pride to the North. Her King is engaged in urgent business, but he should arrive here later."

Kovu cursed under his breath. "What, do you not like her?" Kiara asked.

"No honey. I just think we are going to have some troubles in a bit."

"What, do you think our relationship isn't going to work, is that it! Have you been seeing other lionesses?" Kiara muttered louder.

"No, baby, I love you! It's just… I… forgot to tell Joseph a rather key bit of information."

* * *

><p>Simba finished up his speech, and with that, Rafiki went to the cub, broke open a fruit, smeared the juice on its forehead, and raised it over the promontory of Pride Rock, sending all the animals into a frenzy of cheering. It was the perfect time for Joseph to make his move.<p>

Joseph rushed towards the lioness that was sneaking around the back of Pride Rock, tackling the sneaking lioness to the ground.

"You listen up here, ma'am, I don't know who you are, but we don't negotiate with sneaky terrorists like you!" Joseph said while aiming his pistol at the lioness' face.

"What are you doing, you-" the lioness spat out before Joseph took off his shirt and stuck it in her mouth.

"You have the right to remain silent, miss! You are now under arrest for suspicious actions." Joseph said before the lioness clawed at his face, missing by only a hair.

"One of those types. You are now to be restrained for attacking an officer!" With that, Joseph looked around for anything he could use as a restraint. Seeing nothing, he took to the last resort and removed his pants. After managing to get a hold of all four of the lioness' legs and tying them together tightly, he said one last thing to her.

"Remain Calm. You will be given a fair trial once the King is available after the ceremony." And with that, Joseph left the lioness securely restrained, picked up his rifle, and went back to his post forgetting that he was now void of pants and a shirt.

* * *

><p>"Oh, Kings above." Kovu muttered.<p>

"What is it this time?" Kiara asked.

"Take a look for yourself." Kovu replied, gesturing to Joseph.

Kiara, upon seeing Joseph's current state, immediately brought a paw to her face in anger. "He's acting as if nothing happened!"

"Shh! Simba's coming! Act natural!" Kovu whispered.

"Well, looks like the ceremony ran smoothly! I can't believe it. I'm a father again! I… I feel like the luckiest lion alive." He said, nuzzling Nala.

"I feel like nothing could go wrong. None of it would be possible without you, Simba." Nala said as she licked Simba's cheek.

As the two got progressively more intimate in front of their eyes, a look of discomfort crossed Kiara and Nala's faces.

"What? You guys don't do this?" Simba asked.

"No, that's not what's troubling us…" Kovu responded.

"Here is your cub, Simba. The Kings tell me he shall be very healthy indeed! They also tell me you should take a glance at Joseph right about now." Rafiki said, handing Kion to Simba, who looked at Joseph.

Sighing, the King simply muttered "Why am I surprised."


	22. Chapter 22

"Joseph. You'd better have a pretty good explanation for why you chose to guard my son's ceremony wearing nothing at all." Simba began sternly.

"I had to apprehend a suspicious lioness. Also, I'm not technically naked, I'm wearing underwear." Joseph explained wibhile standing at attention.

"Does that give you an excuse to take off your clothes?"

"Well, sir, I never see you lions wearing any clothes. You got an excuse?" Joseph responded.

"You listen here, you little smartass!" Simba spat out, causing Kovu and Zazu, who were watching nearby, to flinch, having never heard Simba swear before. "I usually don't get mad like this. But I am trying to present my beautiful baby boy to the Pride Lands, a wonderful moment in a King's career, and I have to see the head of my Lion Guard, the SAME ONE who is supposed to train my son, mind you, half naked with a rifle in his hand like nothing at all happened. WHAT. HAPPENED."

"The lioness was fighting back. I had to restrain her." Joseph explained calmly.

"Did you at least ask her what her name was?" Simba said.

"Her name?"

"Yes, her name! You know, the thing that animals are given at birth! What was it?" Simba asked.

"I didn't have time to get the name."

"You didn't have time? Or you just didn't ask?"

"I didn't ask."

"You didn't ask?"

"I didn't ask because if I tried to ask I would lose whatever throat I would have left to ask the question."

With this, Simba sighed and put a paw to his forehead. "Look, we are going to go to this lioness. We are giving her a trial, and if she ends up innocent, you will have to make a public statement of apology. Now, let's just get this over with so I can get back home with my son."

Zazu, Simba, Kovu, and Joseph went around the corner to the restrained lioness, who perked up at the sight of Simba trying to say something through her gag.

"Is that... Tama?" Simba said, trailing off.

"Tama?" Joseph asked.

"Tama, the mate of the King of the Pride to the North."

"King?"

"You just tackled and restrained the Queen of the Pride to the north for no other reason than the direction she was IDIOT!"

After pausing for a moment, Joseph realized what he had done. "OH NO. OH SH*T. I JUST KIDNAPPED THE QUEEN OF A PRIDE. OH GOD. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO-"

"SHUT UP!" Simba roared. "Go over there, untie her, and apologize."

Joseph made haste to do this, quickly untying the lioness' leg and mouth restraints, putting his clothes back on afterwards.

"Sorry I'm late, Simba. I didn't expect I'd have to be dealing with a lunatic!" Tama said, stretching.

"My apologies, ma'am." Joseph replied.

"Quiet, you! You've had your fun. Simba, I was _going_ to meet you at the top of Pride Rock for the ceremony, but I got a little _tied up_ along the way." Tama spat.

"Okay, I'm going to give that one to you. That was clever." Joseph butted in.

"_You_ have said and done enough, Joseph. Anyway, I am so sorry about this, Tama. Our head of security, here, is on his first day, and wasn't informed of your arrival. This is the famous human that has been getting so much fanfare recently." Simba explained.

"Wait, I'm getting fanfare?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, actually. You're quite the conversation piece outside of the Pride Lands." Tama replied.

"Cool. Oh, and by the way, I'm sorry for... you know... tackling you. I don't think we got off on the right foot the first time we ran into each other! Haha... oh..." Joseph stammered out nervously.

"Oh, would you look at that, he can't talk to girls." Tama said.

"Hey! I'll have you know-"

"You can have me know anything you want, but I won't believe you if you tackle every girl you see!" Tama replied.

"Oh, come on, Tama! You two are fighting like children." Simba said.

"I believe I can be of assistance!" Nala said arriving on the scene with Kiara in tow.

Tama took a look at Nala, and in a rush of excitement, they both ran to each other.

"I haven't seen you in years! You look young as ever!" Nala yelled.

"You, too! Oh, and I see Kiara is growing to be a lovely young lioness!"

As the lionesses talked amongst themselves, Joseph had some other business to attend to.

"Say, Simba? I'm not losing my position over this, am I?"

"What? No. Your position is safe." Simba said.

"Oh, cool! Say, you want to hang out someti-"

"I said your position is safe, Joseph. I didn't say that I'm not mad at you." Simba interrupted.

"Harsh." Kovu butted in.

"Well, Simba, it was an accident." Joseph said, trying to get Simba's favor back.

"Not right now, Joseph. The grown ups have to talk." Simba said, moving to the lionesses.

"Well, damn. Can't argue with that one. Hey, Kovu! You want to do pointlessly risky sh*t?" Joseph asked.

"No, Joseph. I have to do diplomacy with Tama and Tojo whenever he shows up. You have to show up before sundown to have a group of lionesses assigned to the guard. I, for one, know that my sister will jump on the opportunity. Until then, you are free to do pointlessly risky tasks on your own." With that, Kovu left Joseph on his own to find a way to spend his time.

"Hey, dad?" Jacob said, going up to his father. "Can we go play? I'm bored."

"No, son. You're grounded, remember?" Joseph said.

"Oh, yeah." Jacob said, hanging his head low in shame.

"Come on, boy. We're going to do some yard work."

"What's a yard, daddy?" Jacob asked.

"Something that humans have in front of their home." Joseph responded.

"But we don't have a yard."

"Exactly. You're going to make a yard."

"You mean _we_ are going to make a yard." Jacob replied.

"No, I mean _you_ are going to make a yard and _I _am going to sit back and drink fruit juice while I watch." Joseph explained.

"Aww, but why?" Jacob pouted.

"Because you're grounded, son! And if you keep pouting like that, I can gladly have you make that yard a little bigger."


	23. Chapter 23

"Hmmm... Move the firepit a little to the left, please"

"But, Daaaaaad! I'm tired!" Jacob pouted.

"I know, I know. You should have thought about that _before_ you touched the gun after I told you never to touch it." Joseph responded before sipping on a gourd sliced in half.

"You know, your teaching technique is very sound! I was worried about you as a father for a moment, but you certainly seem to know how to get things done!" Rafiki said, sipping a fruit next to him.

"Well, Rafiki, some people take their kids' insubordination and see it as rebellion. But, I just see it as them asking for work to do, you know? That's how my dad saw me when I disobeyed him, anyway."

"If I wanted to do work, I would have asked." Jacob pouted.

"What's that? My son wants to go for the grand prize of a firepit, two logs to sit on, _and _a spit to roast meat on? How generous of you, Jacob, you adorable little 3 month old ball of hard work!" Joseph replied with a wide smile.

"What?! How am I supposed to do all that, daddy?" Jacob asked.

"I don't know, son, but clearly you have the can-do to get it done, asking for all that work!" Joseph exclaimed.

Jacob grumbled, setting back to his now increased workload as Zazu flew in from above.

"Good evening, Sire!" He said, bowing.

"Good- wait, what's with the bow?" Joseph asked.

"Well, I heard you were named head of the Guard, so by protocol, you are a man of title. I have to bow." Zazu explained.

"Ah, come on, buddy, don't feel like you gotta do that around me! Trust me, as long as nobody important is watching, you can be informal." Joseph said.

"Well, somebody is watching you." Kovu said from behind him.

"Ah, Kovu, you see, I said somebody _important._" Joseph said smugly.

"You really are a trip." Kovu said, smiling. "Anyway, have you chosen the members of your guard yet? Because I'm pretty sure you can't guard the Pride Lands on your own."

"No, not yet. I was going to sip fruit juice as I watched my son worked all day." Joseph said.

"Well, than, I, as Prince of the Pridelands, demand that you return to pride rock and select your guard." Kovu said, being as regal as possible.

"Got it. Rafiki, watch my kid, will ya'?" Joseph asked.

"Oh, trust me, my boy! When you get back, you'll have a little oasis." Rafiki replied.

"Thanks, man."

"One more thing, Joseph." Kovu added.

"What's that?" Joseph replied.

"Could you put my sister, Vitani, on the guard? She's... kind of not used to the average life. She grew up her whole life doing training, and... it kind of hasn't rubbed off yet. I think she'd be much happier in a structured program like the guard." Kovu pleaded.

"Allright, I'll do it. Under one condition, however." Joseph replied.

"Trying to bargain with the prince? Allright, I'll bite. What is it?"

"You and I hang out once every week for some R&R."

"What, why?"

"Kovu, listen to me. The only others in this pride are either rambunctious kids, always busy with something, or women. I need a bro! Somebody to talk about guy stuff with. Come on, It'll be fun!" Joseph argued.

"Allright, fine. I get a day off every week, and we hang out together if you get Vitani on the guard."

"Done deal."

* * *

><p>"Ladies and gentlemen..." Joseph started, holding his chin high and puffing out his chest. "As you all have heard, I have recently been appointed as head of the Lion Guard. Now, I am proud of this pride, and I would defend it to the death. However, I alone cannot defend the pridelands. So, some of you lionesses will have the opportunity to join the guard and defend our great land from threats, both inside and outside of these lands. The first staff position I shall pick is the role of Assistant Commander."<p>

The lionesses' ears perked up as they awaited the name that was to be called.

"This lioness must be the most well trained, most competent of all on the guard. She must be strong, agile, and well balanced, but she must also be intelligent and sound in judgement. Which is why, based on all that I have heard, I have chosen to appoint Vitani as my Assistant Commander."

With that, there was applause from everybody as Vitani proudly stepped up to Joseph.

"Thank you very much, sir. I won't disappoint you." She said.

"Very well, then. Do you, Vitani, swear to defend the Pridelands from all enemies, foreign and domestic?" Joseph said, starting the ceremony.

"Yes, sir." Vitani replied proudly.

"Do you swear to reserve judgement until the proper time comes for the King to hear every suspect's case?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you swear loyalty to all the animals of the Pridelands?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you swear to carry out the orders given to you, unless said orders are unlawful?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you swear not to use lethal force unless lethal force is enacted upon you?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, Vitani, consider yourself the Assistant Commander of the Lion Guard. Salute."

Vitani sharply brought a closed paw to her chest, smiling.

"Ah... Didn't know that's how lions did salutes. I'll go with it, though." Joseph returned the salute, bringing a closed fist to his chest and then lowering it.

"What are my orders, sir?" Vitani asked.

"I want you to assemble a team of eight lionesses to act as leaders of other subgroups. Choose wisely. Once you are done, report back to me. I'll be outside the den waiting for you and the lionesses you choose. Understood?"

"Yes, sir! I won't let you down." Vitani said sharply.

"Well, then, execute your orders."

* * *

><p>After twenty minutes, Vitani had made her selections, and all the new lionesses of the guard walked out to report to Joseph.<p>

Vitani proudly stepped up and saluted Joseph. "Sir, I have carried out your orders."

Joseph returned the salute. "Well done. Allright, Guard, listen up!"

All the lionesses in the guard adopted a much stiffer, upright posture.

"Outstanding. Now, you all are wondering what the job of the guard is, right?"

One of the outlander lionesses raised her hand. "No, sir. In fact, many of us were on the guard before Zira's exile."

"Good work, Vitani! You picked seasoned veterans. Anyway, I'm going to be running things a little different. You are to wake up one hour before sunrise. Report to me for official instructions. We will work out patrol shifts, and I will inform you of any possible threats to the pridelands. After this, you will go out, execute your orders for the day, return home for lunch, keep going, and we will report in again for a night watch. The night shift won't actually patrol for anything, but they will guard the entrance of the cave. Don't worry about light, I'll light a fire at the guard post. Sound good?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, sir!" The lionesses responded in unison.

"Great. Fall out." Joseph said as he finished.

"Joseph, I want to talk to you for a minute." Vitani said after everyone had left.

"Sure, Vitani. What do you need?" Joseph asked.

"Well... I just wanted to say thanks, and talk for a while. You know, I was feeling out of place without some sort of structured life. I was beginning to wonder if being in the Pridelands was a good fit for me. Now that I'm part of the guard... I feel like staying again."

"Wow. I was starting to wonder whether or not you had feelings there, for a second, Vitani." Joseph said sarcastically.

"Yeah, well. I don't show 'em often, so don't expect any more cushiness. Say, you always seemed like such a structure-free person anyway. Why are you acting so militant now? And why are you qualified to run the guard?"

"You really wanna know?" Joseph asked.

"Yeah. What is it?" Vitani asked.

"Well, to be honest, I learned how to be militant from prison." Joseph said.

"Prison? What's a prison?" Vitani asked.

"Well, that's where they put criminals. They have guards in the place so that none of them try to start a riot or escape." Joseph replied.

"So, what, you were a prison guard?" Vitani asked.

"No, not exactly. I was a prisoner."

With that, Vitani got an angry look on her face.

"What, so you're telling me that the head of our police force is a former criminal? Are you telling me you're not fit to run this operation?" Vitani yelled.

"Now, hold on! I'd suggest you shut your mouth, because last I remember, you were involved in Arson, AND plots to kill the king. Don't run your mouth." Joseph suggested. "Besides, my crime was only vandalism, and I'm a different person now."

Vitani, realizing that Joseph had a point, decided to hush up. "All right, I get that we're both criminals, and your crime was minor. But how does that make you qualified to run a guard?"

"Well, first off, Prisoners led militaristic lifestyles. We would do everything the Guards told us, and if we disobeyed, we got more time in prison. As for actually guarding anything, well, before I got into prison, I used to work a night guard shift." Joseph said.

"Guarding what?" Vitani asked.

"Some kid's birthday party place." Joseph replied.

"Are you kidding me?" Vitani said, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, let me tell ya', some _really _freaky stuff went on down there. Things would... move around... anyway-"

"What do you mean, things would move around?" Vitani demanded.

"You know what, let's not talk about it. I worked that job for three weeks. But, I had earned employee of the month!"

"So, you don't know what you're doing?" Vitani asked.

"No, I have no f*cking idea, 'Tani! Look, will you just trust me on this one, 'Tani?" Joseph pleaded.

"As your subordinate, I guess I have no choice. Besides, I bet you can do something right despite your... less than sane nature."

"Good. Now, since you are the assistant commander, we both need to talk about daytime shift tomorrow. So we know that-"

"Why were you vandalizing anything, anyway?" Vitani asked.

"Oh, let off it, will 'ya?" Joseph grumbled.

"No, I won't let off it! You've been hiding something in your past for too long. What is it?" The stern lioness demanded.

"You really want to know, Vitani?"

"Yes, why are you such an odd person? What is wrong with you? Why should we trust a mentally unstable person to lead our guard? I want to know!"

"I saw my father get fried to death in the electric chair after he killed his boss! I watched as they pulled a black hood over his eyes and he had dying spasms! I fell in a bad way, and I vandalized some things. After I got out of prison, I went to Africa and did charity work because I didn't want to be an unhelpful criminal like my father was! Mozambique collapsed into shambles and I quite literally fell here from the sky! Satisfied?" Joseph yelled in a way that only Vitani would hear him.

Vitani suddenly froze in shock. "Oh... I see... I'm... sorry I brought those memories back up."

Joseph realized what just happened, and tried to cheer Vitani up. "Look, it's cool, 'Tani! I'm over it. Just... something that happened."

"Wait, what? You're just... over seeing your father getting executed?" Vitani asked.

"Yeah, I am. He killed somebody, he got the proper punishment, that's that." Joseph said.

Vitani looked puzzled for a moment. "I will never understand you. But, I'll give you a chance. So, what are your orders?"

Joseph sighed"Well, you and I need to talk about the Daytime shift tomorrow..."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Sorry if this chapter isn't exactly funny. I kind of wrote myself into a corner when I noticed that Joseph was a happy go lucky person, and I had just stuck him at the top of the most militaristic organization in the Pridelands... so I had to make some stuff up fast. Anyway, I would like to give a shout out to a friend of mine, nanthecowdog! She has a deviantart page and a tumblr of the same name, and we've been talking for some time now. She gave me good advice, telling me that I sometimes made out of character moments, and I had to tone it down. Which I immediately discarded when writing this chapter (dammit). So, go check out nanthecowdog's Lion King Comic, Birth of the Outlands!<strong>


End file.
